Shit that makes me smile)

This is what It's about

Let These Words Resonate

Just for clarification this shoud be in a romantic way.

.. Any other way would be stalker like and may require a restraining order and high doses of medication. And a straight jacket.

A rumor...

Rumors are horrific. They destroy people and are the acid of any relationship- from work place to interpersonal.

In 2014 I was the central focus of a terrible rumor.

The sad part is- it continues to richocet in my life- more so now than ever.

And the sad part is.... My life. My children. We will forever be at the receiving end of all of these lies that once spread like wildfire fire.

And there is nothing that can be done to undo the ever spiralling effects.

Now the only choice is to go forward without looking behind.

Two Things please

I could use a really big hug and some compassion from the universe.

December 12th is approachind and the closer it comes...the increase in anxiety.

I feel like the universe is giving me a giant shove.

And there is no net.

I can't quite describe this feeling...but I know it's scary as hell.

I am not good with plot twists.

The Scariest Part...

.... Is when you have NO CLUE where the other persons feelings lay. 

Humpty Dumpty

I used to fall hard. Fast and without reservation. It used to be exciting to recognize that perhaps the person you are liking more and more each day holds the potential to be your 'person'.

But....

It's now scary as hell. Terrifying actually. I used to let my heart fly and now.... I'm so scared someone will shoot it down yet again. I won't say I'm jaded HOWEVER.... I MOST definitely am little more cautious.

 I don't know when this happened but I know that now it's difficult. My heart is in all essence is stiched and scared. It doesn't ache any longer for anyone in particular. No. Now there is a fear, a constant fear of encountering yet another blow....

Now when I find myself getting close to someone I start to wonder when the bomb will go off. I become scared and I start to withdraw when I don't know where I stand in someone's life. I do it to protect myself of course. It's much easier to walk away from someone who you don't emotionally invest in versus throwing in your heart and waiting to see what happens and potentially have your heart shredded to bits.

I've been lied to multiple times. I've encountered a few too many people who are still invested in previous relationships. I've been cheated on-3 times! And then there is.... Without cause. That hurts more than anything- being discarded without reason. Regardless of the reasons in the past.... My heart and I- we've been down a few rough roads and we definitely look at signs now prior to venturing. And when there is no signs... Well.... Often.... It's easier to just not travel down those unmarked lanes.

It often leads me to wonder if people are even capable of what I wish to share with someone. Are my expectations completely unattainable? Is it too much to ask for complete honesty and commitment? For someone to invest and be bat shit crazy about and have that same feeling returned? Is it really to complicated for ONE PERSON to commit to another
?
I try not to focus on these details but again.... As you get to know someone...it becomes difficult to avoid these questions that begin to creep up in your oh-so-crazy -mind.

After writing this ironically a friend said to me
'Just wait- someone will love you so much you'll forget everything in the past... They will hold their arms open and accept you for your crazy, lovely self and you will no longer fear this process because that one person will never leave you wondering. And it will be the most wondeful thing.

One day. I hope.

Eyebrow raised.  You have my attention. Undivided.

One step forward

....and then like that, she couldn't wait anymore. Her heart had been dragged through the storm long enough. She was tired of hurting. Her tears came no more. She no longer wanted to cry in the shower or fake her smile day in and out. She realized she wasting her tears over someone who simply did not care.

So she blinked and went on with life

Does her heart still ache?
Of course- it always will a little- after all- you stole a piece of it and never gave it back.
Her hope is she will find someone who is willing to show her that piece wasn't important anyhow.

So for now- she will will look forward and smile and realize the hardest part is now over....

Say SOMETHING

I twist and turn, I fumble through the night
I want your arms around me, but you're not that type
A love note on your door step, unmentioned through the days
Is there a point to trying to showing I care in different ways?

Im trying to climb that mountain, looking up its so damn high
At the foot of Everest, no gear to get me by
Im gonna try, im gonna fight until my last breath is on my face
But baby let me know if this journey is a waste

I reach out, giving my all- it doesnt catch your eye
All I ever want is you right there by my side
I wait for it to ring, no message on the phone
Instead I get a push to a place thats so alone

Im trying to climb that mountain, looking up its so damn high
At the foot of Everest, no gear to get me by
Im gonna try, im gonna fight until my last breath is on my face
But baby let me know if this journey is a waste

My tears are ever building, a damn about to flood
If I let them tumble, you'll see the water as its mud
Im running out of time, the clock is counting down
It seems you just dont care- your silence is so loud

Im trying to climb that mountain, looking up its so damn high
At the foot of Everest, no gear to get me by
Im gonna try, im gonna fight until my last breath is on my face
But baby let me know if this journey is a waste

..... communication.... at it's finest

When you realize...

How much does it hurt when you realize you may not be as important as you had hoped. 

Damn it. 

What Happened to the 90/90...

Lets talk about the 90/90.

Once upon a time a wonderful friend told me relationships are built on 90/90  " A good relationship is NOT a partnership. Most partnerships are viewed as a 50/50 agreement. In a relationship you have to always be willing to give more than you receive. It is more a 60/60 or 70/70 deal with each giving more so that the relationship grows. This is important to remember as time goes on. A flower planted in the richest soil will need some added nutrients after a few years. Otherwise the flower loses its brilliance."

So- what happens when either partner starts to waiver. An imbalance begins to appear, the relationship starts to get rocky and very quickly that flower starts to wilt.

But where does the relationship start to dwindle? Why????

Now Shirley Zussman-a 100 year old sex therapist said that the root of all the problems she sees comes from:

 "lacking desire. You have to look at your priorities and decide what is important to make you feel good about yourself and your life and to help make your partner feel good and to establish something that is gratifying and something that really fills a need we all have to be close to somebody".

Shirleys' s right. We are so overly consumed with whats happening on the outside world. She mentions the electronic devices. Again. Spot on old gal. There is no more looking at each other. No more touching. The physical and emotional intimacy has escaped this generation and replaced it with pinterest and facebook. I myself am guilty of this. This blog is an example for Christ SAKES.

John Grottman, founder of the Grottman Institute (grottman.com), mentions that the relationship killers are these "4 horseman":

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling -shutting out. Disengaging. Emotionally checking out

I believe this couldn't be more true. I see myself guilty of all of these things in the past and can see why it would affect any relationship. Any one of these 4 horseman would of course have a compound effect of how you treat your partner. Desire would decrease and of course we turn to our social media for comfort. We create a world where perhaps we don't have to deal with these things and our life is splendid in this world. We hide behind those 'life is perfect' posts and all the while disengaging with our partner and the horseman grow stronger..and stronger....then suddenly you find yourself clicking on the 'single' box in your relationship status.

But.... when those horseman are present how do you deal with them? Yes... get off the devices. Put them away. It's not the priority. But how do we address these problems? Of course finding the root but I can see a cascade effect if not approached right:

For example:

Take criticism-you address this with your partner and they get defensive-you then add the contempt to the mix and then both end up stonewalling thus beginning a viscous cycle.

By following these paths we allow those horseman to become ever so powerful and then then desire wilts and you find your level of interactions diminishes. That 90/90....it gets dialed down to 50.... which becomes 30.... then..... it's gone.

And the horseman have won.

And you have found yourself alone and miserable

Perhaps it's vital to touch on effectively communicating with your partner...

And when tomorrow comes

So choices are made.  And priorities guide those choices.  Regardless. .. no one is to blame for those choices except the person making them.
You choose to be mad.  You choose to be busy.  You choose when you communicate.  It's all CHOICE AND IT'S YOURS.When you choose to shelf decisions... sometimes the shelf breaks and there is no decision to be made.  Be wise with your time.  BE Wise with your oppotunity to make choices.

YOu KNow What...

Oh the Many Reasons

I need to rant.

I need to understand things a bit better because apparently over the past 3 years I just don't get it.

I have dated. I have fallen in Love- twice. I even moved in with someone. And recollecting all the memories-these men were never relationship ready. Never ready to commit and take the next step. Never.... Ready.... period.

I am very confused by this concept and I will expand on this.

 First- you go through the troubles of "putting yourself out there" in the dating world.  You throw yourself into this group of individuals from all walks of life and after sorting through the profiles you find that there are slim pickings for the standards you have set.... soon you find yourself telling your pals "there is no one out there..."

But wait- WAIT! You meet someone. It could be through the dating site, at the grocery store, the neighborhood party, etc, etc. You start to get to know them. Your butterflies get going and the first few visits are magical. You start to get to know this other person and you start to share your inner most thoughts and start trusting this person. Your heart starts saying... maybe.. just maybe.....

Let's stop there...

 I have encountered this "maybe, just maybe" feeling a few times now. I have dated some supposed great men only to realize this isn't the case. I have dated someone who amazingly led two lives, someone who always dangled the carrot of a possible relationship only to yank it out, someone who professed his love then started seeking out his options the next day, etc. etc. etc. I could go on.

It leaves me and my sometimes self deprecating self to ponder. Yes, there are times when I wonder... what the hell is wrong with me? Am I just not good enough?

This goes on for about 20 seconds before I stop myself and remember a recent article I read about how we lack the ability to feel satisfaction anymore. How we are always are attempting to seek out something superior than what we have. The "grass is always greener" theory. With that... comes this....

So... furthering to this theory of grass being greener.... those individuals who searched for that greener grass.... WAS IT GREENER??? That's my question now. Are you happier? Did you end up finding that far superior "model" of perfection you were searching for. Did the person you find check all your boxes, fulfill all your requirements?

I am truly curious to see if these individuals did succeed. If so- I am so glad you didn't settle. If not. Well- shrugs. Not my problem anymore because this grass has a fence.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-varon/2014/12/this-is-how-we-date-now/

Perfect Quote for the Pic

Its a choice

I simply have to look forward to the future and see how bright it is. Looking back is not an option as this is not the direction I am going. 

I was reminded of that tonight and am so incredibly thankful for the perception I have adopted. 

Irritated

This level of irritation is beyond more than I wish to comprehend right now.

I blame it on the heat and an unwanted guest at the house. And my lack of understanding of the present world.

Sigh.  Kahlua in the works for tonight.

Another sigh because I ran and now Im going to drink that effort away but at least it will ease ny irritation with unwanted house guest.

Good god I need more friends in this town.

https://youtu.be/2DPL6UV71-Y

An Aurora mid June

Am I back in Iceland??.

Apprciate the Little Things-Now

The world lost an incredible person yesterday and with that I have come to reflect:.

And then it hit me- hard.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid tomorrow I may not get the chance to tell you how I feel. That yesterday I didn't appreciate you as I should. That I didn't forgive and just LET GO. I don't want to miss those opportunities to laugh uncontrollably, without inhibition. I don't want to miss one second of happiness because I was too occupied to experience it- not a second. All that crap about finding sequestered happiness is just that- bullshit- because "happiness is only real when shared".

I refuse to waste time in my head thinking and placing weight upon the inconsequential things that have come and passed: Because after they leave and the opportunity has gone- that's exactly what they are- insignificant "what if's".

With that said-I don't want to strike out on opportunities because of the fear I may allocate to it.
I don't want to regret....anything.Our lives are far to significant to live in dissatisfaction and remorse based on the things that we simply have no control .

Things happen- Good things. Horrible things. Amazing things. Too often these conditions are presented when you least expect them. When you think you're not ready.

When I reflect on what life has presented already I need to nod and just smile knowing I didn't miss out. That I experienced all I could. Embraced every moment for what is was, that I tried my best and loved with the fullest potential and LIVED to the overflowing possibilities that are and were presented.

Lets face it- there is an unequivocal truth- linear time is a hoax. It's a fraud. You think it's there and in a blink- it's gone. There is an absoluteness and authenticity in all of this-we must take our existence and experience every second for what we can grasp onto. So with that... I simply refuse to be fearful any longer.

A void to fill

I wish I knew WHAT that void was.

Capital of Happiness

Hello People of the Internet (Family, Friends and Acquaintances)!!!! 
You may have noticed an invite recently to join a movement called "Capital of Happiness". Please take a moment if you would to read a bit on this below as I firmly believe it could make an impact into each of your amazing lives.
.......................................................................................................................

Capital of Happiness- What is it exactly?

Well- it's the focus on GOOD NEWS in our world. It's about prompting individuals to share and extend the positive moments in their walks of life- however grand or slight they may be- with the rest of the universe. Imagine if by sharing your experience alone if you could have the power to generate a wave of wonderment, elation, glee, optimism, optimism, nostalgia- the list goes on- into others. Imagine the eruption of alacrity we could create with this sort of circulation?!?

How I fell upon C of H -well- It has been almost a year since I was sitting in my Cafe in Reykjavik eavesdropping on a Dutchman pitching his movement - Capital of Happiness- to the local newspaper. I was truly only half listening until he pulled out his pink poster and then I stopped dead in my tea- drinking state.

I had just snapped a photograph 4 hours earlier of the ever inspiring poster that was plastered on some object on the street and remembered thinking.... what a fantastic nudge of positivism. I remember from that moment how my thought process went from simply existing to a feeling of luster and glee. Sounds ridiculous perhaps but that moment changed my day completely and now is a fond memory!

I then contacted Esli- the man in the coffee house and found of C of H and thanked him for his efforts in Reykjavik and informed him they didn't go unnoticed. Fast forward 7 months later-Valentines Day-and Emma and I are spreading the C of H love with "I love you" posters and I am making more positive memories in not only my life but others as well.

Now- I would love to see this movement in Canada. I would love for others to experience the power of what can happen when we focus on the wonderful and marvelous things that life has to offer- no matter how small that may be.

Watch the videos. Be inspired. Share the moments of all the good in your world with the rest.

Clarity

Honesty is best. Well- at least for me I find it is

I should probably disclose that I have a past.........

****screaching tires********

Everyone does!!!!!!

 The thing is: I'm human. I'm in no way, shape or form near perfect. Damaged even. Yes. I use damaged because WE ALL ARE. At some point we treck through life on the wrong trail at times. We trip over branches and have to crawl our way out. We get stuck in a ditch and sometimes we have to make a call for help. We get cuts and bruises along the way and call it life experience. Sometimes- we are on a road and notice a bend that leads to some place where we don't want to go so we stop and simply drive over the meridian to the other side.

This is how we learn, this is how we develop and this is how we (if we are smart) grasp onto character and realize laughing about the silly things you've  done is the best way to deal.

I've learned a long long time ago to never judge people for their roads traveled because for one you don't know their story and the second part is you may never know what led them down that path in the first place (ever had a GPS lead you into on coming traffic or into a wrong parking lot?).

Yesterday- I did that. I placed judgment. The weird part- It was I who judged myself...Harshly. I was wrong to allow this to even occur. I felt beaten down by this moment of truth I had with someone and I allowed myself to feel guilty for something that I shouldn't feel an ounce of guilt about. It clinged on all night and well into the morning until I finally experienced the 'uh huh!' moment kicking me in the ass...

Blink.

I walked by the bookshelf at the local bookstore about a year ago. I was stopped dead in my tracks by a book named "blink" by Malcolm Gladwell.

"the power of thinking without thinking"

I didn't even read the backside cover. I picked it up and for once- bought it. I've always hesitant to buy products if they are not researched or "economically priced"(frugal me). This literally jumped into my hands.

It sat on my shelf for a while. I started the first chapter and then it got placed on the sidelines as I was busy moving about and settling into life in Iceland. Fast forward a year- I am standing in the bedroom packing up my Iceland adventure and I find it on my bookshelf- GAWKING- in distaste I might add. How dare I forget this magical little publication. I put it in my carry-on due to the guilt creeping in. I really should read this as I did spend more than $4 on it. Sigh. OK. Promise made.

This morning I am searching for the book (it has shuffled to almost every flat surface in the house). Remember my inability to stay on a single task for more than 10 seconds- 15 if its a good day and that is why I STILL remained in a failed state when it came to surpassing the point of the first chapter. I have formulated an idea that if I submerge myself into the tub with have a gallon of coffee then breaking past chapter one will indeed occur. I mean- how much diversion can one experience in the tub... ... ... ... sigh.. ... ... ...ok ... ok...So upon actually dipping in I recognized forthwith that I would have to pack up the razors, loofah, bubbles, soaps, shower and anything else within reach so the task at hand would indeed be accomplished.

Ok- in I went. I recracked the seal and began my journey. Mr. Gladwell, please proceed with your findings towards my ever anxious mind.

I reread the first chapter- then the second. My jaw dropped. The third..... HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET CHILLS WHILE BATHING IN SCORCHING SOAKING CONDITIONS.

I was at the point where I had to stop and reflect. Jesus- I should have read this book a year ago. No, when I was 23. No- 18!!!!

*shakes head***

So what is 'blink' about?

Blink is about adaptive unconsciousness. Rebecca terms- making decisions based on the first instinct.

Gah!

So- in a round about manner- Chapter 2 discusses how a study was done by John Gottman (apparently a really smart man) who came up with a highly successful scientific study which predicted with a 95% accuracy rate whether a couple would be still married after 15 year. 95% PERCENT!!!!!

All he did- watched an interaction between husband and wife for an hour. That's it. 1 hour.  ONE!
My jaw dropped and puddles began to accumulate on the floor as I continued to read due to all the splashing about. The basis on this whole conclusion was individuals form "a distinctive signature that arises naturally and automatically. That is why a marriage can be read and decoded so easily, because some part of human activity".

I was amazed at how simple it was to predict divorce with such accuracy- well- simple if your name is John Grottman.

The next chapter discussed snap decisions. This I have experienced many, many times. Most of us have and when it happens it's a chilling moment at times. That instant when my hand went out without even a thought to catch a kid, The time when I knew a kid was in trouble from the time she presented to the judges before she even STARTS her routine and my gut said- STAND IN. Most of these snap decisions are made based on my career because that has been my concentration and expertise for over 20 years. I don't know why I react at time so quickly- but Gladwell spoke beautifully as to why my brain and body connected before I even had time to realize what was happening (perhaps this could come in handy with my driving.... ). He also goes on to illustrate that if we listen really close- our snap decisions happen far more frequently then we actually allow ourselves to experience or hear.

Thus far- my conclusion 3 chapters in- Gladwell is painting the path of the following:

Encounter + Immediate Unconscious Response= INTUITION

I then started recollecting and linking all this new info to my dating history.

The Double Decker Paramedic, the chef, the cowboy, - the list goes on. All of them. Looking back I remember times when I felt that small stab in the ribs going... "back off Rebecca... beware... something is off...."Looking back- I knew within seconds that something was erroneous. Yet- I brushed it off. Every time.
Of course- I hadn't a clue how to identify with this feeling and paid no heed to the indicators that were so blatantly dancing right in front of me. Even the physical factors that presented itself- the colds I got when I was married (I was always sick the last two years), the stomach aches leading into dates to the paramedic, the physical exhaustion in my last relationship. They were all indicators of my subconscious screaming at me to WAKE UP, SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT!!!

Anyhow- that is the first take on the introductory portion of the book. I am curious too see how one doesn't go into a hyperactive state of unconscious awareness (now I may have just confused myself) while becoming acutely enlightened with this ability we apparently all are deep-rooted with.

A weird Day

It's been a weird day. 

I am in a weird mood.

I just want to run it out.

Ugh.

Despite weird mood  I thought I would list a few things that surfaced to keep myself occupied until I can run: 

#1- Today I was reminded why I love coaching so much

#2- Sometimes- you can't have all that you want at once- sometimes- it comes in portions. You just have to wait for those portions to come together. In addition- it can also come in different forms then what you were expecting it to be.

#3- Happiness will come with patients. 

#4- Life is measured in moments- make the most of them (I literally just heard that on a commercial from the television in the other room and had a uh huh moment)

#5- My children remind me everyday how blessed I truly am. 

#6- I made decision on where Ill be doing

Waiting....Oh The Things You Can Do!!!!

Ever been in that position where you rush and hurry only to have to sit and exercise the utmost patience (something perhaps you lack? ). Well, here's a few things you could do to alleviate your anxiety in regards to waiting.....

In no particular order.... here goes.....


Change all the radio stations to non English speaking ones. Start with the indian stations. Bollywood baby.

File a missing persons report for the person you're waiting for.

If in line ask the person behind you to hold your spot while you go pee. Dont go anywhere. After a minute turn to them and say 'thanks'.

Talk to your watch in 007 fashion. Describe the person in front of you and give your precise location. Demand back-up.

Research the latest WOD from any crossfit site and perform while you wait.

Two words. Twerking Riverdance!!!!

Take the paper cups from under the seats and make a castle. Or fortress. You pick.

If on an airplane- ask the stewards how many km has the plane done. Inquire about air bags. Ask the weight limit. Ask for the latest transport canada report. Start to hyperventilate when told that's not possible.

Invent a new way to wear your seatbelt. (Glitter? Rhinestones? Studs?)

Practice yoga in your seat. Naked.

Collect all the onboard magazines, hand them to the stewardist. Tell her it's propoganda.

Make a fort with your clothes.

Collect all the coupons in the console and make a map of your next shopping list.

With the items found under the seat construct a new air freshner.

Recline your seat. Pretend you're on the olympic luge.

Invent a new language. Use it through your entire trip.

Listen in a nosey fashion and involve yourself in the conversation next to you. Offer advice.  Suggest medication. Write out a prescriptions on a post-it.

Let your personalities out to play. Ray,Gus,Spencer and Dwight. Get them in a brawl.

In the car- write a love note to the mechanic. Confess your love. Sign it 'love , air filter'

Call MacDonalds. Ask if they deliver. Ask why they dont....complain to management.

Lick your elbows. No really. It's possible (seriously. ... you actually tried didn't you).

Break up the fight between your two imaginary friends.

While on the plane call your insurance agent and request a change in policy. Enquire about the immediacy of the policy. Make eye contact with the person next to you.

Karaoke!  With a microphone coffee cup.

Count how many studs are left on the tires.

Ask the stewardess for crackers (say it will settle your nausea). Chew then  whistle.  Keep trying.

Play your air guitar with as much enthusiasm as possible. Swear when you hit the wrong chords.

Break out in a Justin Bierber song... 'baby, baby, baby ohhhhhhhhh!!!!!'

Ask the person next to you if they have any immodium. Squirm. Grimmace. Grunt.

Close your eyes and experience being blind. Ask the hot stewardess to assist with your seat belt.

Twister in the aisle?! Heck yes you should.

Wear your socks on your hands and start a puppet show.

Tell the person sitting across from you that you see dead people.

Todays List of Fabulous Things

1. Cashews.
2. Hot showers followed by facial toner. Where has this been all my life?
3. Great playlists that consist of covers that only a 14 year old girl would listen to.
4. A hug from my mama followed by Little Miss E.
5. 20 plus degree weather
6. Swivel chairs- especially when multi-tasking
7. A sweet message from a wonderful friend
8. The thought of NOT HAVING to put together a piece of Ikea furniture (unless accompanied by Dr. Zen Zen and his fabulous blue bottle of chilled Kabinet)
9. The song in my head when not exercising #3.
10. This warm fuzzy feeling :)

11. The number 11- just because it's now 11:11 and I always make a wish at this very moment if I am lucky enough to see it.

Shivers***

Mr.Ward- come serenade me anytime. ;)

I'm in Heaven

Bag of lettuce. Cheese. Sweet Chile Sauce. 

Life can't get more grand. 

Oh Wait... WINE!

Where's the Pot?

Spot On.

I'm not generally one to really take the zodiac in all seriousness however- this describes me pretty damn good. 

Non-Bread Bread Sticks. YES. PLEASE.

Pretty much the most amazing thing since bread sticks. Wait- these ARE bread sticks. Kinda.
Christ, now I'm confused.

http://brevardspremierpersonaltrainingandbootcamp.com/healthy-football-appetizers-is-it-possible/

Remeber...

Recent Realizations

A year ago... I was walking to the gym with my coffee pot in hand ready to kick some ass with my new gymnasts. I was learning a new language and had met a great friend , Darren, the evening before who would become my gateway to Iceland. Life was a new adventure and I was finding a new... me.

It was an incredible year filled with many many learning curves. I discovered many things about myself and healed many wounds (and of course created a few along the way as well).

Iceland was also tough year. Contradictory in a way. I love the attitudes of the Icelandic but at the same time- I loathed it as well. The simple saying 'þetta reddast' - meaning it will all be okay or' it will sort itself out'... this phrase drove me crazy at times. I learned that over reacting was never the Icelandic way but at the same time choosing to temporarily evacuate a crisis and NOT induldge inan  action plan won't solve anything either. Seeking opportunity within the crisis is always my plan of attack. Jump in and solve your issues...taking time to think and rest from a crisis has never been my strong point- however.... I see why this plan of attack is desirable as well -so I have learned to slow down and deal with crises in a more logical balanced way.

I learned to be alone. I forced myself to do this for a while. To not date. To learn to date... myself. It opened my eyes to really what was lacking in my life and where I was wrong in a lot of ways. I made sure to take corrective actions in these areas as moving forward was going to be a lot more healthier for myself and my future partner in the future.

I learned that I cannot settle. I am a very passionate person and I go above and beyond and give my everything to the things in life I involve myself with. I love hard and deep and commit in that way. There was a lot of travelling down memory lane and wondering... "why the hell did I do that or why was I allowing this in my life". I committed myself to people and situations that simply did not want my commitment. I was so quick to settle when really- I had no business trying to do just that (a square peg in a circular hole... hmm... reread that post).

I realized that home is not a place but a feeling. It's who you allow in and who

I also learned love hurts. It also heals. IT can be blinding but it can also open your eyes and soul to things you never imagined possible.

I have succumb to the face that try as I might- I will never be able to say Eyjafjallajökull.

I also learned that Icelanders are not economically conscious. This was a tough one for me. I'm a budget based individual. I thrive on getting a deal. Deals are hard to come by in the land of fire and ice.

Last-I learned chocolate covered banana chips are EVIL! Evil I say!!!!

Um. Ok Then.

The Ever Changing List of Life Goals...

It takes 3 min is what I was told...


My artistic side is dying to explode...I want to tend to it. I need to further my education in photography and take a class that will allow me to become licensed.

I want to see my kids Happy. Healthy. Successful. To give them all I can and them look back and say mom did an awesome job.

Get a media card at the Olympics.

Have an successful Art Exhibition which has my audience begging for more (ya, that's asking a lot however it's not impossible)

Win the lottery? haha.. the financial lottery would be great however- the lottery of love would be even better.

Gymnastics- build an awesome gymnastics program with a solid team with the same vested interest. Key word... with a team.

Own my own gym...

Build a network of strength, trust, love and accountability within my relationships. I don't focus enough on this and tend to become ever silent in my own little world. I have my reasons but it's time to open up a bit and let myself become slightly vulnerable. Scary as that may be.

 Lima! Bali! Tahiti! Seychelles! Africa!

Compose and perform my own song.

 Dance lessons!!!! With a kick ass partner.

Show the people in life how just incredible they are.

.... and it goes on and on....

.... Breaking heart

Its less than a week away and my two favorite men in this whole giant universe will be here.

It' been too long. And I miss them terribly.

I miss their laughs.
Their smiles.
The list could go on and on...

I miss them so much that it breaks my heart.

Try as I may

I recently had a conversation with a friend about being the driver in my own car. The funny thing about this- if you've ever driven with me... You are the one who ends up driving. I hate driving. I like to sit back and enjoy the view. Watch everything. Talk. Fidget. Play with the heat and music selections. Sleep. Driving for me takes focus and concentration and often my ever busy mind just wants to wonder (Vascilando!). Driving causes me to stay on track and not go off the road.

Right now...I need to start driving. Taking control and making the decision where to go. Without distractions.

I need my passengers to be my  suggestive guide. In a positive manner. To help take my stress away. To give advice and expect me to make informed and rational decisions how I see is best fit. To help me see that rainbow at the end of this storm.

Right now- I need friends. Friends who can keep my confidence. Balanced friends who don't get angry everytime I have an opinion. Friends who listen.

What I dont need is a romantic relationship. My heart is too far damaged to even think about romance and Im far too tired for fights anymore.

As much as I just want to hide under a rock until this storm passes... This storm will not leave until I lead it elsewhere.

There are some MASSIVE DECISIONS  to be made. Decisions that affect everyone and anyone. Decisions that will cause a butterfly effect so huge....

I have my keys...

1....2....3....

Now where the hell is the ignition again?

Tea og Vinnumálastofnun og Rafhlaða Ákæra

.... And the first line is the only thing I can complete.

Feeling.... Overwhelmed but beautifully satisfied as my tea is easing all feelings of panic at the moment.

Tea has run out.
Shit.

It will all work out.... It will all work out... þetta reddast.... Þetta reddast.... Þetta reddast....

Fucking Up is an Art Form

Judging by the title you can guess there has been a few interesting twists and turns.

I have said this before- we, ourselves, are responsible for the directions we take- if we dont like the direction we can simply find another road to get on.

Sometimes- we make decisions in which have poor judgement (aka- you're an idiot moment).

At these times we must deal with the backlash. The consequnces.

No one likes to face adversity (or stupidity) especially when they have a handicap in place or when they are weak. Often finding a shelter on the side of the road to rest and gain some strength is required. I often talk about how fast life is (hence my tape measure title reference) but for a moment sometimes it's best to just..... Pause.

Too often I dont follow my own thoughts.

Pausing... .... ... ... ...

What's At The End Of The Rainbow?

"If you find yourself wondering ... keep going because obviously the path you are on isn't right for you

I had it all planned out. I really did. Life was on this little boat heading in a glorious direction.

Then a giant wave came through and now I'm hanging onto drift wood wondering where I've been redirected.

A few months ago I wrote a blog about taking out the excess baggage. About removing the rubbish from your life. I DID THIS.

This wave I speak of ... hell... I am not going to speak in hidden anecdotes on this one as this is my freaking blog and Ill say what I god damned well want to.

I found a message I shouldn't have. I stumbled upon it. I hesitated to open the entire message as part of me thought it was wrong to snoop- however- part of me felt that my entire future was relying on this message. If it meant the end of a relationship surely I had a right to know? RIght?

I opened the message. It was an exchange between someone who I loved and an Ex girlfriend of his. The exchange was that he was not living with me and was not in a serious relationship.

After having had this translated for me and confirming indeed that's what I was understanding I made a decision to leave the relationship. I decided not to be second rate.

He thought it was ridiculous to leave and remove myself from his life based on a few lines between an ex.

Really? Was it? You removed me from your life in a split second the moment the conversation happened.

Let me tell you just how this feels exactly when you find yourself in such a position of unimportance. .

You feel rejected. Pushed aside. You feel like your loved one is ashamed of you. Inadequate. Insufficient. When my friend gasped as she read the sentences tears started to pool and I struggled to not let them fall. She confirmed everything I thought was going on. I failed miserably and a pool started to form in my lap.

 I felt he was making room for the next person to step in "in case" things did not work out. I felt cheated on (I mean- if you tell someone your single and living with no one when you are... WHAT ELSE DOES THAT MEAN!?!).  I felt second best. I felt... unloved.

Now the worst part is- I have a little girl who has this amazing photo of this man painted in her heart and she just cannot understand WHY we had to leave. Why we had to go. Why this man is no longer apart of her life.  I feel horrible as I sacrificed not only my own heart but hers.  Now she aches and I cannot repair this. I can only try to explain why loss happens in life and hope she comes to understand this one day.

The fact is- problems always rise in a relationship and people deal with them as they come. This problem was due to a choice. A choice that had been discussed long before it ever came up. A choice that at the end of the day he felt he was not...In a relationship...so he acted on it. A choice he knew was wrong because he tried to cover it up and he lied.

The fact is... once  you feel like this you never want to give the opportunity to this person to reopen this wound.

Was I never enough?

I guess thats something that leaves me wondering.

Then I remember... 

He was never ready so it didnt matter. 

THE CHARLIES - YELLOW (COVER): http://youtu.be/a7EgENrHlrs

Why is it stumbling upon the truth sucks.
Why cant it just stay hidden. Away. Where it cant hurt anybody.

Why is it my fucking intuition is always right.

I cannot have her look and see
Yet another bird flyaway from our tree

Into a box perhaps we should wait
For the right moment so her heart does not break

And reality smacks you in the face when worst case scenarios are presented and all the outcomes are led towards a fatality.

Im 10000 ft in the air  and
I am suffocating in this madness
And my eyes are open wide
Tears gather
Drowning in a shallow pool
Just to breathe would be a great accomplishment
Just.One.Fresh.Breathe.

Take a Fucking Hike

Its 5:39

I want to go hiking up the moutiain out my window. But it's too cold.

 I cannot seem to shake this feeling of uneasiness. Like something is about to happen and its going to have a huge impact.

I cant sleep. And the tears are pooling at the edges of my eye lids.

Positive thinking and the removal of negative thoughts seems to be a daunting task right now.

Sleep perhaps is needed....

Post Workout Bliss

Notice kaffi machine is at arms length...

ikea

sometimes a trip to Ikea can fix eVerything...ok...so obviously this isn't true however retail therapy at IKEA and lunch can make one feel much better.

Lies only Bring out The Sleeping Dragon

I am often an optomostic and positive person. I generally thrive off of this.

However...

I am a Taurus. When someone fucks with my life and career my head goes down and I charge at whatever may threaten.

I often put on a brave front and seem ruthless and unforgiving...

But when the battle goes dormant.... my heart bleeds and the tears stroll. I recover in time to restart the battle the next day.

I refuse to lose when I know Ive been wronged. When Im wrong - I gracefully admit it.

There are 2 people in my who are challenging me to battle right now. Little do they comprehend that I am one persistant bitch when I have to be.

Trapped

I was an extra in this little TV series here Iceland. It was a great opportunity and I had a blast. I also made a few new friends. I am hoping to get more involved in the future....

We shall see what happens.

Inferiority is a complex matter...

I put in my 3 months resignation yesterday.

Yes. I did it. 

Why?

Well the moment I started to doubt how good I really am at my career I realized that I was allowing others opinions who have no knowledge of the sport to affect my confidence. I was allowing naive and uneducated individuals words to have a profound effect on my person. I was essentially making myself inferior. 

This- is just not allowed.

I may continue to reside in Iceland. I will continue to coach gymnastics. I will continue to love life - I just am now on a different path. 

The glorious part is... the moment I sent that email resigning... a profound feeling of liberation washed over me and I went into work with such a weight off my shoulders. I know this was the right decision. 

On Set..Last Shoot:(

Last shoot with RVK. studios and the show Trapped!

I have so far been able to sleep for 2 hours on set and.I also managed to play and win 5 games of Olson.

I will be sad when this all ends as its been fabulous and the people are great!

Make a wish

No title needed...

I never want to hurt anyone.
I will sacrafice my own happiness just to be sure of this.

Even when someone you love hurts you beyond what you thought was ever possible.
I still do not want to hurt anyone.
I don't have the energy.

I will say this...

How people deal with hardships can have a starkingly clear indication of perhaps where their heart truly was the whole time.

... adding Salt.....

The moment when you actually feel the pain in your chest from seeing or hearing something that actually breaks your heart even more....

It's amazing how one 'like' on facebook can make you feel like you've been kicked in the stomach while you're down.

I deliberately went off of facebook so I could have some silence. And think. And then a 'friend' decides to text me about whos doing what... thanks for that 'friend'....

Best Part of My Freaking Day

It will be when I fall asleep...

Why?

Because it hurts a lot less when I sleep....

Missing My Little Men...

I forgot about this!

How cute is he!
Gosh how I miss my boys :(

Silence- A Warm Welcome

Facebook is.... on hiatus.

I usually don't shut it up unless I have loads on my mind- and well- that's about accurate. Blogging will have to become an outlet of sorts- a distraction.

I care not to even discuss whats whirling around in my ever busy head- that is a far too personal matter for even here.

So--- I will chatter away.... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...



I always seem to be on the subject of... Life... ugh... Im just irritated the thought of blogging yet again about it. So... I will choose a subject. One with substance. One with.... excitement.
... ... ... ... ... ... ...

shit.

Creativity is completely on a hiatus as well I see.
Gosh.

Stumped.

Lets All Take a Moment

Too often we are busy in the bustle. Caught up in our own problems.

We dont look around us and see others struggle too. They have it just as hard. Some have it even harder.

On my new journey of sharing and loving on others I came across a couple with a baby at my local coffee house.

They ordered their coffee. The child was upset. Crying. Mom was stressed and dads shoulders where hung in defeat. They were simply exhausted.

The house was full except a little corner by the window with two bar stools.

I couldn't very well keep sitting at my booth with 3 empty seats in front of me (much to the gentleman's dismay sitting next to me as he made an extra effort to move all his shit just so I could spread out in my work space).

So I approached the defeated couple and said "please, take my spot- you clearly need it more than I".... they began to say "Nei....".. I stopped them, pointed at the little boy who's fallen tears had since stopped out of curiosity and said "he told me he specifically wanted to sit there".

The mother smiled and proceeded and the dad thanked me 3 times.


Today- I managed to make a families life a little less hectic.

... random act number 1.....

A New Bucket to Go With a List

I am still compiling my bucket list... but...

This year... the bucket list will still have its usual milestone but in addition to that I want to accomplish something a little more personal. This section of the bucket list is about experiencing each day with thoughtful and selfless acts. Acts that impact the lives of others. Acts that will make tiny waves in our somewhat rugged path on which we are on called "life" that perhaps cause a positive rippling effect making waves.

For example:

I want to show Emma that in life you must be compassionate. To be giving and sincere and to share happiness with others. My hope is that if she can have more of an understanding of this she will then go forth and mirror this learned behavior to others.
I want to show my children that saying your sorry is followed by a responsibility to act on these words to ensure any wrongdoing is avoided in the future.
I wish to show more kindness and generosity with the people whom I interact with.
I want them to feel the need to do this as well- thus- paying it forward.
I want to show the world what it looks like from my eyes.
And most of all- I want nothing more than a full heart.