Wednesday, March 18, 2015
"If you find yourself wondering ... keep going because obviously the path you are on isn't right for you
I had it all planned out. I really did. Life was on this little boat heading in a glorious direction.
Then a giant wave came through and now I'm hanging onto drift wood wondering where I've been redirected.
A few months ago I wrote a blog about taking out the excess baggage. About removing the rubbish from your life. I DID THIS.
This wave I speak of ... hell... I am not going to speak in hidden anecdotes on this one as this is my freaking blog and Ill say what I god damned well want to.
I found a message I shouldn't have. I stumbled upon it. I hesitated to open the entire message as part of me thought it was wrong to snoop- however- part of me felt that my entire future was relying on this message. If it meant the end of a relationship surely I had a right to know? RIght?
I opened the message. It was an exchange between someone who I loved and an Ex girlfriend of his. The exchange was that he was not living with me and was not in a serious relationship.
After having had this translated for me and confirming indeed that's what I was understanding I made a decision to leave the relationship. I decided not to be second rate.
He thought it was ridiculous to leave and remove myself from his life based on a few lines between an ex.
Really? Was it? You removed me from your life in a split second the moment the conversation happened.
Let me tell you just how this feels exactly when you find yourself in such a position of unimportance. .
You feel rejected. Pushed aside. You feel like your loved one is ashamed of you. Inadequate. Insufficient. When my friend gasped as she read the sentences tears started to pool and I struggled to not let them fall. She confirmed everything I thought was going on. I failed miserably and a pool started to form in my lap.
I felt he was making room for the next person to step in "in case" things did not work out. I felt cheated on (I mean- if you tell someone your single and living with no one when you are... WHAT ELSE DOES THAT MEAN!?!). I felt second best. I felt... unloved.
Now the worst part is- I have a little girl who has this amazing photo of this man painted in her heart and she just cannot understand WHY we had to leave. Why we had to go. Why this man is no longer apart of her life. I feel horrible as I sacrificed not only my own heart but hers. Now she aches and I cannot repair this. I can only try to explain why loss happens in life and hope she comes to understand this one day.
The fact is- problems always rise in a relationship and people deal with them as they come. This problem was due to a choice. A choice that had been discussed long before it ever came up. A choice that at the end of the day he felt he was not...In a relationship...so he acted on it. A choice he knew was wrong because he tried to cover it up and he lied.
The fact is... once you feel like this you never want to give the opportunity to this person to reopen this wound.
Then a giant wave came through and now I'm hanging onto drift wood wondering where I've been redirected.
A few months ago I wrote a blog about taking out the excess baggage. About removing the rubbish from your life. I DID THIS.
This wave I speak of ... hell... I am not going to speak in hidden anecdotes on this one as this is my freaking blog and Ill say what I god damned well want to.
I found a message I shouldn't have. I stumbled upon it. I hesitated to open the entire message as part of me thought it was wrong to snoop- however- part of me felt that my entire future was relying on this message. If it meant the end of a relationship surely I had a right to know? RIght?
I opened the message. It was an exchange between someone who I loved and an Ex girlfriend of his. The exchange was that he was not living with me and was not in a serious relationship.
After having had this translated for me and confirming indeed that's what I was understanding I made a decision to leave the relationship. I decided not to be second rate.
He thought it was ridiculous to leave and remove myself from his life based on a few lines between an ex.
Really? Was it? You removed me from your life in a split second the moment the conversation happened.
Let me tell you just how this feels exactly when you find yourself in such a position of unimportance. .
You feel rejected. Pushed aside. You feel like your loved one is ashamed of you. Inadequate. Insufficient. When my friend gasped as she read the sentences tears started to pool and I struggled to not let them fall. She confirmed everything I thought was going on. I failed miserably and a pool started to form in my lap.
I felt he was making room for the next person to step in "in case" things did not work out. I felt cheated on (I mean- if you tell someone your single and living with no one when you are... WHAT ELSE DOES THAT MEAN!?!). I felt second best. I felt... unloved.
Now the worst part is- I have a little girl who has this amazing photo of this man painted in her heart and she just cannot understand WHY we had to leave. Why we had to go. Why this man is no longer apart of her life. I feel horrible as I sacrificed not only my own heart but hers. Now she aches and I cannot repair this. I can only try to explain why loss happens in life and hope she comes to understand this one day.
The fact is- problems always rise in a relationship and people deal with them as they come. This problem was due to a choice. A choice that had been discussed long before it ever came up. A choice that at the end of the day he felt he was not...In a relationship...so he acted on it. A choice he knew was wrong because he tried to cover it up and he lied.
The fact is... once you feel like this you never want to give the opportunity to this person to reopen this wound.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Saturday, March 07, 2015
Friday, March 06, 2015
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