The Scariest Part...

.... Is when you have NO CLUE where the other persons feelings lay. 

Humpty Dumpty

I used to fall hard. Fast and without reservation. It used to be exciting to recognize that perhaps the person you are liking more and more each day holds the potential to be your 'person'.

But....

It's now scary as hell. Terrifying actually. I used to let my heart fly and now.... I'm so scared someone will shoot it down yet again. I won't say I'm jaded HOWEVER.... I MOST definitely am little more cautious.

 I don't know when this happened but I know that now it's difficult. My heart is in all essence is stiched and scared. It doesn't ache any longer for anyone in particular. No. Now there is a fear, a constant fear of encountering yet another blow....

Now when I find myself getting close to someone I start to wonder when the bomb will go off. I become scared and I start to withdraw when I don't know where I stand in someone's life. I do it to protect myself of course. It's much easier to walk away from someone who you don't emotionally invest in versus throwing in your heart and waiting to see what happens and potentially have your heart shredded to bits.

I've been lied to multiple times. I've encountered a few too many people who are still invested in previous relationships. I've been cheated on-3 times! And then there is.... Without cause. That hurts more than anything- being discarded without reason. Regardless of the reasons in the past.... My heart and I- we've been down a few rough roads and we definitely look at signs now prior to venturing. And when there is no signs... Well.... Often.... It's easier to just not travel down those unmarked lanes.

It often leads me to wonder if people are even capable of what I wish to share with someone. Are my expectations completely unattainable? Is it too much to ask for complete honesty and commitment? For someone to invest and be bat shit crazy about and have that same feeling returned? Is it really to complicated for ONE PERSON to commit to another
?
I try not to focus on these details but again.... As you get to know someone...it becomes difficult to avoid these questions that begin to creep up in your oh-so-crazy -mind.

After writing this ironically a friend said to me
'Just wait- someone will love you so much you'll forget everything in the past... They will hold their arms open and accept you for your crazy, lovely self and you will no longer fear this process because that one person will never leave you wondering. And it will be the most wondeful thing.

One day. I hope.