Monday, August 31, 2015
Sunday, August 30, 2015
When you realize...
How much does it hurt when you realize you may not be as important as you had hoped.
Damn it.
What Happened to the 90/90...
Lets talk about the 90/90.
But where does the relationship start to dwindle? Why????
Now Shirley Zussman-a 100 year old sex therapist said that the root of all the problems she sees comes from:
"lacking desire. You have to look at your priorities and decide what is important to make you feel good about yourself and your life and to help make your partner feel good and to establish something that is gratifying and something that really fills a need we all have to be close to somebody".
Shirleys' s right. We are so overly consumed with whats happening on the outside world. She mentions the electronic devices. Again. Spot on old gal. There is no more looking at each other. No more touching. The physical and emotional intimacy has escaped this generation and replaced it with pinterest and facebook. I myself am guilty of this. This blog is an example for Christ SAKES.
John Grottman, founder of the Grottman Institute (grottman.com), mentions that the relationship killers are these "4 horseman":
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling -shutting out. Disengaging. Emotionally checking out
I believe this couldn't be more true. I see myself guilty of all of these things in the past and can see why it would affect any relationship. Any one of these 4 horseman would of course have a compound effect of how you treat your partner. Desire would decrease and of course we turn to our social media for comfort. We create a world where perhaps we don't have to deal with these things and our life is splendid in this world. We hide behind those 'life is perfect' posts and all the while disengaging with our partner and the horseman grow stronger..and stronger....then suddenly you find yourself clicking on the 'single' box in your relationship status.
But.... when those horseman are present how do you deal with them? Yes... get off the devices. Put them away. It's not the priority. But how do we address these problems? Of course finding the root but I can see a cascade effect if not approached right:
For example:
Take criticism-you address this with your partner and they get defensive-you then add the contempt to the mix and then both end up stonewalling thus beginning a viscous cycle.
By following these paths we allow those horseman to become ever so powerful and then then desire wilts and you find your level of interactions diminishes. That 90/90....it gets dialed down to 50.... which becomes 30.... then..... it's gone.
And the horseman have won.
And you have found yourself alone and miserable
Perhaps it's vital to touch on effectively communicating with your partner...
Once upon a time a wonderful friend told me relationships are built on 90/90 " A good relationship is NOT a partnership. Most partnerships are viewed as a 50/50 agreement. In a relationship you have to always be willing to give more than you receive. It is more a 60/60 or 70/70 deal with each giving more so that the relationship grows. This is important to remember as time goes on. A flower planted in the richest soil will need some added nutrients after a few years. Otherwise the flower loses its brilliance."
So- what happens when either partner starts to waiver. An imbalance begins to appear, the relationship starts to get rocky and very quickly that flower starts to wilt.
But where does the relationship start to dwindle? Why????
Now Shirley Zussman-a 100 year old sex therapist said that the root of all the problems she sees comes from:
"lacking desire. You have to look at your priorities and decide what is important to make you feel good about yourself and your life and to help make your partner feel good and to establish something that is gratifying and something that really fills a need we all have to be close to somebody".
Shirleys' s right. We are so overly consumed with whats happening on the outside world. She mentions the electronic devices. Again. Spot on old gal. There is no more looking at each other. No more touching. The physical and emotional intimacy has escaped this generation and replaced it with pinterest and facebook. I myself am guilty of this. This blog is an example for Christ SAKES.
John Grottman, founder of the Grottman Institute (grottman.com), mentions that the relationship killers are these "4 horseman":
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling -shutting out. Disengaging. Emotionally checking out
I believe this couldn't be more true. I see myself guilty of all of these things in the past and can see why it would affect any relationship. Any one of these 4 horseman would of course have a compound effect of how you treat your partner. Desire would decrease and of course we turn to our social media for comfort. We create a world where perhaps we don't have to deal with these things and our life is splendid in this world. We hide behind those 'life is perfect' posts and all the while disengaging with our partner and the horseman grow stronger..and stronger....then suddenly you find yourself clicking on the 'single' box in your relationship status.
But.... when those horseman are present how do you deal with them? Yes... get off the devices. Put them away. It's not the priority. But how do we address these problems? Of course finding the root but I can see a cascade effect if not approached right:
For example:
Take criticism-you address this with your partner and they get defensive-you then add the contempt to the mix and then both end up stonewalling thus beginning a viscous cycle.
By following these paths we allow those horseman to become ever so powerful and then then desire wilts and you find your level of interactions diminishes. That 90/90....it gets dialed down to 50.... which becomes 30.... then..... it's gone.
And the horseman have won.
And you have found yourself alone and miserable
Perhaps it's vital to touch on effectively communicating with your partner...
And when tomorrow comes
So choices are made. And priorities guide those choices. Regardless. .. no one is to blame for those choices except the person making them.
You choose to be mad. You choose to be busy. You choose when you communicate. It's all CHOICE AND IT'S YOURS.When you choose to shelf decisions... sometimes the shelf breaks and there is no decision to be made. Be wise with your time. BE Wise with your oppotunity to make choices.
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