Beauty Fades, but Dumb is Forever

Beauty.
A recent conversation of such started turning the crank. What is it exactly? What defines beauty or makes one "beautiful". I ponder more now than ever my own definition. Do I look through the eyes of social context and attempt to grasp their understanding of physical attributes? Or, do I scrutinize and try to understand the more submerged mien?
It's easy to critisize from societys frame of reference. Tangible beauty is usually viewed and commented to be a important factor. It is, after all, the first distinguishment that we make. Their physique, facial features, skin color, hair, physical styIe and outward presentation - all of that is a deciding factor for determining if someone is beautiful. If one holds no fragment of material attraction and fails to meet with the status quo of society - often they are disregarded leaving behind nothing but a reliance on wit and inginuity.
But what about the inner self? Does that not too exemplify beauty as well? Does is not have any contribution? I have learned that long ago- physical beauty is exaggerated and overemphasized on. Yet, some people cannot simply get past the physical realm. I sometimes of course am guitly of that but who isn't? We are all biased persons and it's in our nature (or perhaps a nurtured matter) to do so. Initially, we are unable to reach out to further exploration, inept to close the palpable door and open a more profound and mattersome entry. We all crave to have that sexy, alluring and pulchritudinous partner- but once you have that person- is it really what you wanted in the first place? Do they have more than their physical beauty to sustain themselves? One can not perpetuate physical beauty forever so there has to be something more to contribute.
Personality, intellegence,ones demeanor, etc. This all plays a important part of beauty as well. Take for instance, upon meeting someone, they are georgeous and the perfect figmant your imagination could have ever conjured up. But, after conversing and learning about them you find that they may lack all of those internal features that perhaps came second to you. Now, is that person truly as appealing as intially thought? Physical appeal last only for such a length and when one has no heart or spirit- what else have they to offer? Some yes only seek to find this physical beauty and disregard all else,but for the rest of society who seek perhaps happiness and longevity, we usually are able to seek out those whose beauty is truly relevent, felicitous, and compliments not only them but ourselves as well.

Male Nurse Please

So I did my good deed today. I donated blood. For some reason I feel good about letting a pack of blood hungry nurses (mostly male I might add!) come at me with a syringe and tubies and I feel no pain when they poke and prod for there 30 minutes. It’s the Heme test they do at the beginning that gets to me though. I flinch and whine like a big baby. Of course, since I'm such a regular (I go every time and its usually the same team that comes down), they tease me like mad. I have a hard time passing that test- it’s usually a 50/50 chance. I am usually extremely low or plump and ready to go. Anyhow, I go in and get ready to give and everything is going smoothly. I am number 16 and it only takes about 15 minutes before I go in for questioning. They ask the funniest questions!
Have you ever had sex...
Have you ever had sex with a man who has sex with another man?
Have you ever had sex with someone who has HIV?
Do you have HIV? (No, im here for my bi monthly HIV test-DUH!)
I mean... half these questions where a little bizarre. I can understand the HIV one but who honestly has sex with someone knowing that there partner has HIV? Or what straight man is actually going to admit he has had a rendezvous with another man? Anyways, questioning I get through. Now, for the BP and temp test. First time.
I’m dead.
BP is 90/23.
Second time.
Still dead.
BP is 40/20.
Fix the damn machine!
Finally, she gets a reading of 105/65- finally. I place my "use my blood" sticker on the sheet and off I go to the Vampires. I choose the left and find myself a nice comfy looking pool lounge chair. Nursy puts on the cuff, asks me to squeeze once and out pops the good ol cephalic vein. It has been through this many times before (it even has a permanent puncture scar to boot!) so it knows its job. "JUICY". Yes, she actually said juicy then elaborated with "you have great veins". I look at her like she’s on crack. Whatever lady. She cleans with alcohol and takes the icky iodine out and starts coloring my arm. I swear she though she was Van Gogh the way she went about it. Anyhow, out comes the syringe, I peak away and its in like butter. Now realize that I am the worse bleeder. It usually takes me about 30 minutes to do a pint. So after 2 people get in and out my bag by then is usually full. For some reason I always get shit for taking so long. Its not as if I do it deliberately. If one of them wants to sit and have a little chat with my ticker and tell it to pump faster and harder to get the bloody (no pun intended) stuff out - be my guest... It's usually one of these two things...
"You’re not squeezing!" (But I always squeeze) or " Your still HERE!?!?!?"
No, I am a figment of your imagination. Of course I’m still here. Anyhow, I fill up and along she comes. Yes, I get a woman this time. I knew I should have gotten a guy cause the damn nurse decides she is going to pull off the BP cuff and try and to take the frigan needle with it. OUch. Yes, it hurt. The male nurse cringed and I swore under my breath. She apologized. Well, to make matters worse - the male nurse who witnessed it all comes at me before I leave with a role of purple horse tape to tape up my entire elbow. I am the only one in the whole place with a huge purple bandage around my arm. I look like a freak. He says its so I don’t hemorrhage under the skin. I am told to wear this thing for 12 hours. YEah Right! It came off as soon as I hit the car. Anyways, I will not let that little savage Vampire come at me again... I'll remove it myself next time. Anyways, at least I got a free timbit out of the deal.
A little hint for next time perhaps,
"wear a string of garlic to ward off the evil ones"

I think it needs a comment....

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Moving Forward

Regret. Its a powerful thing. Makes you think twice of what should or could have been. I hold regrets of course but constant reminder is never dwelled upon. I enjoy not regretting for two reasons - it brings up the past and the past should stay behind you. The second reason- it only make you feel like total and utter shit. I don't know about anyone else but I certainly hate feeling like that. Whenever I feel regret creeping upon me I tend to surround myself with what makes me happy- call it avoidance but I think it isn't nessesary in life. Yes, it makes one think of what should have been but I believe in looking forward- not backward- like I have discussed many times before- you control what happens in life- take responsibility... then perhaps that will lessen regret.

A placebo please

It is 10 in the morning. I have rollers in my hair and I am wondering around in my bathrobe with 2 different colors of sox with a can of peaches in hand and a fork (god forbid I dirty any dishes). How did I manage to get myself into this state. Well I had to watch a movie by myself last night and insomnia loomed over me for a good 3 hours after that then I decided that I was going to read a entire book as well. I didn't get to sleep until about 4 this morning. Classes are almost finished so I am allowed to sleep in- that is until I hear a certain someone playing with the door stopper and all I hear in a "BOINGGGGGGGG" every 5seconds. I don't mind really. I just should take some sleeping pills before bed so I'm not so unpleasent in the AM... speaking of which....Did I also mention I have morphed into a pill popping tyrant? Actually, I better explain that one before anyone thinks inappropriatly of me. It started with a multi vitamin and the regular "Pill"... now, mornings consist of that plus a energin, detox, and 3 B6B12. I guess I am taking this new diet to an extreme. It's nice because I have had these sitting in my cupboard for god knows how long (yet not long enough to expire) and I am finally putting them to use. I have felt no difference cause this is Day 2. Maybe they are just a placebo and a mere figmant of my imagination just to make me more "mentally alert". Half the time I wonder about medications and if they really do what they indeed are supposed to. Take advil. half the time it doesn't work. I don't take it often at all so there is no built up immunity to it (can you build a immunity to that anyways?)... and what about those psychiatric medications? Do they really affect people or is it all just a mental circus show to reveal just how powerful the mind is? Either way, I guess the world will never know because if that be the case then the pharmacy industry would go down the drain.

I should direct the next one

Why is it that lately movies at the video store suck ass. Seriously. I rented "Before Sunset"- dumbest movie ever... Or "Inigma of Loch Ness".. which we won't even go there. I also rented "When will I be Loved" with Neve Cambell - again, where these people who wrote,directed, and released it on crack? There is little thought or effort put into movies. No intrigue. No passion. I saw Vanity Fair last night. It was mediocre... I have always enjoyed Reese Witherspoon though so I guess I base on bias. I have yet to see a few of them yet still. I refuse to watch "SAW" because the box alone gave me nightmares. Sorry, that one is not for me. I also have not seen Ladder 49 or Alien Vr. Predator...so I still have a few watches to judge. I did however see a good flick at the box office last week. HOSTAGE. That was a excellent movie I must say. Bruce Willis is dynamite in that one. But still- must I go through 10 horrible watches before being able to see another great movie???

Change of Plans

So this last month has flown by. I have not accomplished anything really amazing- yet I have made some final decisions that will impact my life enormously (I have decided moving to Lethbridge is best and that I am indeedly starting a new "healthier Lifestyle"). I am quite excited about these decisions and to be frank scared to death of both.
Moving to Lethbridge means total indedependence. No more people to rely on but myself. It will be a great time of growth perhaps and a realization that I am infact more independent than I thought I was. School will be fun. I am looking forward to the program. I only have 3 years left then I am finished. I have not decided if I will go for my PHD mind you I know that placing a "DR" infront of my name has always been a family dream (but this is for me not them)...
In a way, now that I really have thought and talked about it with my "family" I am scared. I thought all this weekend about it when I was driving up there. Where would I live? I don't know anyone but a handful of people there. In a sense moving to Massachusetts would have made more sense - but as my very own mother put it - I need this. I need to breakaway.

As for my new healthier life style- it started on Tuesday. I kicked the low carb diet to the curb and am now on a "canada food guide" edition (don't get me wrong- I am still going to watch my carbs just not to where the extent I was)- I am frighted to death honestly of gaining. I know it will happen but someone made me realize that my health now and in the future is more important than anything and that I was/am driving everyone nuts around me when it came to my Diet Frenzies. Oh, that reminds me- I forgot to take my vitamin today... damn....