Male Nurse Please

So I did my good deed today. I donated blood. For some reason I feel good about letting a pack of blood hungry nurses (mostly male I might add!) come at me with a syringe and tubies and I feel no pain when they poke and prod for there 30 minutes. It’s the Heme test they do at the beginning that gets to me though. I flinch and whine like a big baby. Of course, since I'm such a regular (I go every time and its usually the same team that comes down), they tease me like mad. I have a hard time passing that test- it’s usually a 50/50 chance. I am usually extremely low or plump and ready to go. Anyhow, I go in and get ready to give and everything is going smoothly. I am number 16 and it only takes about 15 minutes before I go in for questioning. They ask the funniest questions!
Have you ever had sex...
Have you ever had sex with a man who has sex with another man?
Have you ever had sex with someone who has HIV?
Do you have HIV? (No, im here for my bi monthly HIV test-DUH!)
I mean... half these questions where a little bizarre. I can understand the HIV one but who honestly has sex with someone knowing that there partner has HIV? Or what straight man is actually going to admit he has had a rendezvous with another man? Anyways, questioning I get through. Now, for the BP and temp test. First time.
I’m dead.
BP is 90/23.
Second time.
Still dead.
BP is 40/20.
Fix the damn machine!
Finally, she gets a reading of 105/65- finally. I place my "use my blood" sticker on the sheet and off I go to the Vampires. I choose the left and find myself a nice comfy looking pool lounge chair. Nursy puts on the cuff, asks me to squeeze once and out pops the good ol cephalic vein. It has been through this many times before (it even has a permanent puncture scar to boot!) so it knows its job. "JUICY". Yes, she actually said juicy then elaborated with "you have great veins". I look at her like she’s on crack. Whatever lady. She cleans with alcohol and takes the icky iodine out and starts coloring my arm. I swear she though she was Van Gogh the way she went about it. Anyhow, out comes the syringe, I peak away and its in like butter. Now realize that I am the worse bleeder. It usually takes me about 30 minutes to do a pint. So after 2 people get in and out my bag by then is usually full. For some reason I always get shit for taking so long. Its not as if I do it deliberately. If one of them wants to sit and have a little chat with my ticker and tell it to pump faster and harder to get the bloody (no pun intended) stuff out - be my guest... It's usually one of these two things...
"You’re not squeezing!" (But I always squeeze) or " Your still HERE!?!?!?"
No, I am a figment of your imagination. Of course I’m still here. Anyhow, I fill up and along she comes. Yes, I get a woman this time. I knew I should have gotten a guy cause the damn nurse decides she is going to pull off the BP cuff and try and to take the frigan needle with it. OUch. Yes, it hurt. The male nurse cringed and I swore under my breath. She apologized. Well, to make matters worse - the male nurse who witnessed it all comes at me before I leave with a role of purple horse tape to tape up my entire elbow. I am the only one in the whole place with a huge purple bandage around my arm. I look like a freak. He says its so I don’t hemorrhage under the skin. I am told to wear this thing for 12 hours. YEah Right! It came off as soon as I hit the car. Anyways, I will not let that little savage Vampire come at me again... I'll remove it myself next time. Anyways, at least I got a free timbit out of the deal.
A little hint for next time perhaps,
"wear a string of garlic to ward off the evil ones"