No really. Totally does. It's like going to Old Navy and trying to find the size small cardigan on boxing day AFTERNOON and all you can find is an extra large purple and yellow piece that would look fabulous on the cover of a Nancy Drew novel . You have all these requirement for this perfect cardigan but for some reason it's hidden in a pile somewhere over in the change rooms at the bottom of the recover pile and the effort to actually find it makes you question exactly how valuable your time is.
UGH!!!!!
First of all, if you are going to use a dating site, you need to make sure that you write a kick-ass profile and take a photo that looks half way decent. There is certain criteria for this photo. It mustn't be a "mirrored"photo (you know the type, stand in front of the mirror, hold up the phone, and click. Repeat because you need to turn your head to the left.the right side was NFG. CLICK. Repeat. You blinked. CLICK. Repeat- your bedroom needs to be cleaned-you just can't have a messy room in the back round (often, this gets missed)....repeat. Repeat, REPEAT....when will you realize it is NOT socially acceptable to take a photo of yourself taking a photo in the mirror???
Word of advice: use the timer in your photographic device and prop it up (light bulb!). Your photo shouldn't have the typical hand gestures (peace,gangnam style,middle signage).You have to look pretty freaking incredible so preparing for the photo takes effort. I am not speaking of throwing your hair up in a ponytail, putting on a Lululemon headband and snap,snap,snap....ohhhhhhhhhhhh no. You have to do the whole shower, blow-dry, curl/straighten, make up, etc...so much effort but come on- you do want to look presentable because first impressions are just that. Like it or not, it's the make it or break it to a first date.
Questionnaires:
Most of these sites have questionnaires that take a full day to fill out. No, I don't lie to make my partner feel good about himself. Yes, I like myself. No, I don't rely on others for my happiness. No, I don't often get angry with how others treat me (really, wtf?!). Yes, I do enjoy a stroll on the beach with my imaginary Emu named Harrison (I had to throw that in because, well, you need to understand the ridiculousness of some of it all.)
Anyhow, your profile gets finished (yes, I'm really 30, yes I really have 3 kids, no, I'm not happily married (who the hell answers this with a YES?!?!?!?!).
Next step.
Go viral.
Hit ENTER.
The next thing you know you have 30 messages from a vast majority of men who are 50+, the top of their heads resemble that of a monkeys ass, and have a profile photo that may or may not date back to 1982, a current photo of them with their "ex-wife" on a carnival cruise sipping fuzzy navels wearing a sports jacket possibly from 1965. Oh, and don't forget the '70 Oldsmobile Cutlass. Sexy. Sexy as hell. Yes, that screams take me out.
Next come the opening lines. Opening lines that result in direct failure (with the exception of having a kick ass profile picture- where in which you just still may not have a chance).
"Hi"
"Hey beautiful"
"What are you up to tonight?"
"Yo" (yes, actually)
"Hey baby, let me rock your world"
"Can I have your number"
"Wanna chat?"
Swearing is a great way to grab someone's attention (if you want me to press the block button faster). Asking if I have "big ones" just may actually place you on the "this guy is a complete moron" list and could really get you in the security teams project for removal. The best is jumping into the questions on whether or not
Honestly? You actually thinks this grabs a girls attention? Here is the kicker for you gentlemen seeking a woman through online dating.....
Read her profile. Find a connection. Ask question relating to profile. DONT BE AN ASSHOLE.
When you start chatting, realize that the person you are conversing with might be a total fraud (Catfish?!). This happens a lot in online dating. Don't get your hopes up that the French neurosurgeon Franscoi Legrand from Beverly Hills will whisk you away his insert choice of fantasy car here someday. Chances are his name is Lester Krueger from Neopit, Wisconsin, who is unemployed and possibly has printed off your profile photo and replaced it with the heads of all the girls in the most recent version of Hustler magazine. Yes. This could be your dream guy. So, be careful.
Anyhow, after all of this if you do happen to land a first date -let's talk about the rules. Yes, the dating rules.
Patty Stanger has some
Really good ones. To sum it up:
- don't be a whore (word if advice- keep the basement UNKEPT ;)
- don't get drunk on the first date
- keep your mouth shut about your Exs
- cross your freaking legs when sitting on a stool and wearing a skirt
- put your phone AWAY (unless needing an escape)
- smile, be pleasant and don't leave your manners at home ( so be sure to not burp, swear and don't take a laxative within 48 hours)
So, follow the rules. They are there for a reason. Assuming you want a second date you may want to take into consideration that presenting yourself in a manner that screams "lets have a repeat" not "delete,delete,delete"....
Now. Go forth and.....
