Ticking Clock Is Getting Louder

To be frank- this is probably one of the most intimate and bone baring posts Ive made in a while.... so bare with me on this. 

Where to begin??? 

My ex and I - we are on the verge of finalizing "THE DIVORCE".... only 3.5 years later... 

We both seemed to sit on the paperwork forever simply because it was.... paperwork. An inconvenience really and something that required time and effort and really- something that we just were completely lazy about.

I am not sad in the least about this progression- it's just emptying out "recycling bin" really because we've been apart for so long and we both have moved on to better lives. 

The circumstance however pushing the legal divorce forward really got me thinking. 

My soon-to-be official Ex husband is expecting with his girlfriend. A baby. A sibling for my children. WOW. This I believe is what is the motivating factor to bury our "relationship status" according to Canadian Law. 

This was a wake up call for me. 

I sent my congratulations and then.... memories came back. 

Lets go back in time:

It's almost been 3 years. My ex and I were failing miserably at working things out and the relationship was on its last legs and I found out I was pregnant. I was shocked (yes, I realize how a pregnancy comes about)... the thing was- I had no plans on having any more children. I was finished. After the complications with the twins and almost losing both babies I counted my blessings and never thought of it again. I thought ok- this is it. 

My initial reaction-I panicked. Here I was in a crumbling relationship and there was now a baby on the way. I remember calling my mother in tears and she said

'Rebecca- things happen for a reason...'

After I got over my panicked state I realized I was incredibly lucky (after all- many are unable to conceive and have babies) and obviously this was something that was meant to be.  Regardless of where the relationship was heading.

Well, 8 weeks later- the day before the ultrasound- I miscarried. I was very silent about the whole situation- I talked very little about it and when the few people that knew asked- I shrugged and said- 'things happen for a reason'. Inside my heart completely broke. I was encompassed in anguish and misery. I faked a smile yet my core ached. I never missed a day of work through the whole ordeal and I threw myself into "busy". I dealt with the situation the best I could. I moved forward and put the loss to memory. 

Now-this feeling of ... wanting... has lingered since. I know I cannot nor am I looking to replace the loss.. I just know that the sound of this ticking clock is growing louder and getting harder to ignore.