This is what It's about

Let These Words Resonate

Just for clarification this shoud be in a romantic way.

.. Any other way would be stalker like and may require a restraining order and high doses of medication. And a straight jacket.

A rumor...

Rumors are horrific. They destroy people and are the acid of any relationship- from work place to interpersonal.

In 2014 I was the central focus of a terrible rumor.

The sad part is- it continues to richocet in my life- more so now than ever.

And the sad part is.... My life. My children. We will forever be at the receiving end of all of these lies that once spread like wildfire fire.

And there is nothing that can be done to undo the ever spiralling effects.

Now the only choice is to go forward without looking behind.

Two Things please

I could use a really big hug and some compassion from the universe.

December 12th is approachind and the closer it comes...the increase in anxiety.

I feel like the universe is giving me a giant shove.

And there is no net.

I can't quite describe this feeling...but I know it's scary as hell.

I am not good with plot twists.

The Scariest Part...

.... Is when you have NO CLUE where the other persons feelings lay. 

Humpty Dumpty

I used to fall hard. Fast and without reservation. It used to be exciting to recognize that perhaps the person you are liking more and more each day holds the potential to be your 'person'.

But....

It's now scary as hell. Terrifying actually. I used to let my heart fly and now.... I'm so scared someone will shoot it down yet again. I won't say I'm jaded HOWEVER.... I MOST definitely am little more cautious.

 I don't know when this happened but I know that now it's difficult. My heart is in all essence is stiched and scared. It doesn't ache any longer for anyone in particular. No. Now there is a fear, a constant fear of encountering yet another blow....

Now when I find myself getting close to someone I start to wonder when the bomb will go off. I become scared and I start to withdraw when I don't know where I stand in someone's life. I do it to protect myself of course. It's much easier to walk away from someone who you don't emotionally invest in versus throwing in your heart and waiting to see what happens and potentially have your heart shredded to bits.

I've been lied to multiple times. I've encountered a few too many people who are still invested in previous relationships. I've been cheated on-3 times! And then there is.... Without cause. That hurts more than anything- being discarded without reason. Regardless of the reasons in the past.... My heart and I- we've been down a few rough roads and we definitely look at signs now prior to venturing. And when there is no signs... Well.... Often.... It's easier to just not travel down those unmarked lanes.

It often leads me to wonder if people are even capable of what I wish to share with someone. Are my expectations completely unattainable? Is it too much to ask for complete honesty and commitment? For someone to invest and be bat shit crazy about and have that same feeling returned? Is it really to complicated for ONE PERSON to commit to another
?
I try not to focus on these details but again.... As you get to know someone...it becomes difficult to avoid these questions that begin to creep up in your oh-so-crazy -mind.

After writing this ironically a friend said to me
'Just wait- someone will love you so much you'll forget everything in the past... They will hold their arms open and accept you for your crazy, lovely self and you will no longer fear this process because that one person will never leave you wondering. And it will be the most wondeful thing.

One day. I hope.

Eyebrow raised.  You have my attention. Undivided.

One step forward

....and then like that, she couldn't wait anymore. Her heart had been dragged through the storm long enough. She was tired of hurting. Her tears came no more. She no longer wanted to cry in the shower or fake her smile day in and out. She realized she wasting her tears over someone who simply did not care.

So she blinked and went on with life

Does her heart still ache?
Of course- it always will a little- after all- you stole a piece of it and never gave it back.
Her hope is she will find someone who is willing to show her that piece wasn't important anyhow.

So for now- she will will look forward and smile and realize the hardest part is now over....

Say SOMETHING

I twist and turn, I fumble through the night
I want your arms around me, but you're not that type
A love note on your door step, unmentioned through the days
Is there a point to trying to showing I care in different ways?

Im trying to climb that mountain, looking up its so damn high
At the foot of Everest, no gear to get me by
Im gonna try, im gonna fight until my last breath is on my face
But baby let me know if this journey is a waste

I reach out, giving my all- it doesnt catch your eye
All I ever want is you right there by my side
I wait for it to ring, no message on the phone
Instead I get a push to a place thats so alone

Im trying to climb that mountain, looking up its so damn high
At the foot of Everest, no gear to get me by
Im gonna try, im gonna fight until my last breath is on my face
But baby let me know if this journey is a waste

My tears are ever building, a damn about to flood
If I let them tumble, you'll see the water as its mud
Im running out of time, the clock is counting down
It seems you just dont care- your silence is so loud

Im trying to climb that mountain, looking up its so damn high
At the foot of Everest, no gear to get me by
Im gonna try, im gonna fight until my last breath is on my face
But baby let me know if this journey is a waste

..... communication.... at it's finest

When you realize...

How much does it hurt when you realize you may not be as important as you had hoped. 

Damn it. 

What Happened to the 90/90...

Lets talk about the 90/90.

Once upon a time a wonderful friend told me relationships are built on 90/90  " A good relationship is NOT a partnership. Most partnerships are viewed as a 50/50 agreement. In a relationship you have to always be willing to give more than you receive. It is more a 60/60 or 70/70 deal with each giving more so that the relationship grows. This is important to remember as time goes on. A flower planted in the richest soil will need some added nutrients after a few years. Otherwise the flower loses its brilliance."

So- what happens when either partner starts to waiver. An imbalance begins to appear, the relationship starts to get rocky and very quickly that flower starts to wilt.

But where does the relationship start to dwindle? Why????

Now Shirley Zussman-a 100 year old sex therapist said that the root of all the problems she sees comes from:

 "lacking desire. You have to look at your priorities and decide what is important to make you feel good about yourself and your life and to help make your partner feel good and to establish something that is gratifying and something that really fills a need we all have to be close to somebody".

Shirleys' s right. We are so overly consumed with whats happening on the outside world. She mentions the electronic devices. Again. Spot on old gal. There is no more looking at each other. No more touching. The physical and emotional intimacy has escaped this generation and replaced it with pinterest and facebook. I myself am guilty of this. This blog is an example for Christ SAKES.

John Grottman, founder of the Grottman Institute (grottman.com), mentions that the relationship killers are these "4 horseman":

1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling -shutting out. Disengaging. Emotionally checking out

I believe this couldn't be more true. I see myself guilty of all of these things in the past and can see why it would affect any relationship. Any one of these 4 horseman would of course have a compound effect of how you treat your partner. Desire would decrease and of course we turn to our social media for comfort. We create a world where perhaps we don't have to deal with these things and our life is splendid in this world. We hide behind those 'life is perfect' posts and all the while disengaging with our partner and the horseman grow stronger..and stronger....then suddenly you find yourself clicking on the 'single' box in your relationship status.

But.... when those horseman are present how do you deal with them? Yes... get off the devices. Put them away. It's not the priority. But how do we address these problems? Of course finding the root but I can see a cascade effect if not approached right:

For example:

Take criticism-you address this with your partner and they get defensive-you then add the contempt to the mix and then both end up stonewalling thus beginning a viscous cycle.

By following these paths we allow those horseman to become ever so powerful and then then desire wilts and you find your level of interactions diminishes. That 90/90....it gets dialed down to 50.... which becomes 30.... then..... it's gone.

And the horseman have won.

And you have found yourself alone and miserable

Perhaps it's vital to touch on effectively communicating with your partner...

And when tomorrow comes

So choices are made.  And priorities guide those choices.  Regardless. .. no one is to blame for those choices except the person making them.
You choose to be mad.  You choose to be busy.  You choose when you communicate.  It's all CHOICE AND IT'S YOURS.When you choose to shelf decisions... sometimes the shelf breaks and there is no decision to be made.  Be wise with your time.  BE Wise with your oppotunity to make choices.