Jumping Ship

I was told that I jump ship. I replied with- "it's better to jump ship than watch it sink".

I keep coming back to this quote and I ponder which is better- to jump ship or sink.

Now if I jump- I can avoid the pain of having to endure with sinking (now that I REALLY think of that- I don't even know if that's true). You have to deal with the pain of watching it sink. Seeing the loss and this is pretty damn shitty. When you feel the ship is going to sink... well... why not get off before you're taken with?... why put yourself in the position where you have to feel all that pain associated...
Just make sure that before you jump -the ship is indeed going to sink.....

Fast forward. Ships underwater. Ships can sometimes be restored. It's a rare occurance but its not impossible either. Like relationships are comparable to the sunken vessels- there are a lot of factors that come into play.

Stratification and contamination.

Stratification in technical terms are the formation of layers onto an object (sediment). Compare that to a fallen relationship- it's the residue you feel- the heart ache, the feelings of resentment, the anger, etc, etc. It all falls on this mess down below and builds. Slowly, ever so slowly, it settles.

Problem is- can this mess be cleaned up and is a ship that has sunk worth restoring??

And for the record- if I jump ship- it's not because there is a waiting ship near by- it's into the water and I'm waiting for someone to hand me a life jacket.

The Curve

I took a long journey of self discovery this year. There were so many bumps and detours along the way. Looking back- of course I ask myself on some of these things- 'what the hell were you thinking?!"

But... that's how one grows.

So- without further hesitation:

I learned that I have so much love to give-  I need to give it to the right person.

I learned that my time here is short. Too short. I need to be sure to remember that and do what I want to do without making an excuse or barrier. Just do it already.

 I need to be patient. That right individual will be there when I least expect it.

Opportunity in a crisis- I am getting REALLY good at finding this now

How much I tolerate- that this is indeed a choice- there is no one forcing me to put up with anything. I make the decision just how much I choose to tolerate. I also make the decisions based on what I want to tolerate (ex. how I wish to be treated, professionally- what I want and how much I wish to give to get what I want)

I still do not run on linear time. :)

I learned that being perfect- its a matter of perception- and standard. I choose how high to raise the bar and just how far Im willing to go to go above and beyond.

I learned just how fabulous my friends are. I thought they were fabulous before- they are spectacular individuals who I am so blessed to have in my life.

I learned that there is never enough lettuce in the fridge. Or egg whites. Or Pickles.

I love East Indian food!

... Pre schoolers Hate sharing... btw... I thought I knew the extent of this- boy was I wrong!

I can make cookies from scratch- sans recipe and on the fly from pretty much anything in a pantry.

I realized my love for Kohlrabi. And Cajun Spice. Yup. Oh so delicious.

I have an intolerance to milk so I cut back.

I now have the patience of a flea when it comes to shopping (ya, you read that right)

I dislike gossip- I used to be all over it but I now become super annoyed when it occurs and usually will put a stop to it

I can fall asleep in  .kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Hot Yoga is my new friend. Cycling- not so much. However, both serve a purpose so I shall keep at it.

Life doesn't have a plan- you make the plan. You change the plan. Plans are meant to be changed.

I am wayyyyy more aware of who I am and what I want than I was 12 months ago.

Well Stated.

Social Media Via Gym and Onesiee and Elmer Fudd Vest

I am the epitome of fashion right now...

Merry Christmas

Christmas was quite different this year. I had the kids in the morning which was fantastic but come noon- my world turned into a very lonely place.

SO I baked. And baked. And baked some more.

After about 15 lbs of baked good sat on my counter I packed it up, went down to 106th street right beside Chinatown and handed out cookies and muffins to the homeless.

I must say- all feelings of self loathing and loneliness disappeared when I saw the lineup to get into Hope Mission. It was circling around the building. It was awkward at first- I didn't know how to start... so I simply said--- care for a cookie? The look on their faces and the gratitude shown was heart wrenching. I gave bag fulls of cookies away. I was asked why I did this- I simply said- why not?

It was great to just escape my world for a while and realize that life just isn't that bad. I really have it great. I have a 3 amazing children, a roof over our heads, a warm bed and food on the table every night. Sure- sharing it with someone would ideal but who am I to complain when there are people out there who cannot even lay there head down for a moment to rest?

So with that- I will say Merry Christmas everyone. Enjoy your families, friends and loves ones. And more importantly- be thankful for what you have and take a moment to really enjoy just that.

I was in my office last week (Remedy on Jasper) and something horrible happened. They painted the restrooms. I am actually completely devastated. Considering going to the one on 109th.

Now if you have never been to Remedy you are probably scratching your head asking why.

The photo post below- was actually taken in the bathroom stall at Remedy. The bathroom was full of quotes, drawings and artwork galore. Every trip was an adventure. I always ended up taking a photo of something or another (who doesn't bring their phone into the restroom with them?).

Anyhow, I've bitched and complained. They painted a chalkboard hallway but how not cool is that when you can erase all that is drawn. So you can filter crap? Erase what you don't want to see?

Not impressed Zee.

Ok then.

Advice from a bathroom stall. ... quote number 3457876...

Clutter

I needed silence. So I went off the grid today.

Everything seems to just be overly loud and overbearing right now.

Really- I just want my best friend, a stiff glass of the Zen, a collection of bad movie to warch a couple of asprin for the next morning. Maybe even a bag of skittles ( I hate skittles but the word is a fun one).

I want answers and in time that will come.... can anyone direct me to the remote where the fast forward button is....

'I WANNA BE SEDATED' and Other Songs Skipping Through My Head

Im waiting ever so patiently for the doctor (whom bt the way is a fantastic Asian connection if I want to get on a soft ball team- he reminds me of this every visit). I am the patient who always has to be told to 'hop on up'. I try to avoid the table as much as possible. The table represents the thousands of patients before me who have parked their naked asses on the same exact bench.

Shiver.

The thought makes me wonder if I should be asking for a SRI or some sort of sedative to calm my anxiety when approaching Rm. 4 instead of my usual Clostridium botulinum....

now go forth and google my friend so you can figure out just what im here for ;)

What the hell is THAT button for?!

Here I sit

So here I am... at Remedy... doing instant replay in my head. Trying to gather all these jumbled thoughts and feelings and place them back into their perspective pieces. In a way I am deathly afraid of stepping out of this place for fear of losing it entirely (yes, Im delaying the inevitable). Sigh.

I order a Chai (again) and thank Nate. He is especially aware of my somber state and gives me extra topping on my drink. I am tempted to purchase the entire cake in the showcase and go underground in the LRT and give it out to the homeless just to lift my spirits. I would say it eat but .. well... haha.. that so would not happen.

... for now I will throw myself into work and delay this awful feeling from growing.

Hurry Up

The hardest part of the saying "things happen for a reason" is waiting for that reason to come along...

Ughhh

My first Hanukkah

This was my first Hanukkah this year. I learned a lot. I even attended a service at the synagogue.  I must say- I'm intrigued with the Jewish way.  There is one day left. I will light a virtual candle as the menorah I have been lighting will not be accessible tonight.

To all- Happy Hanukkah or as they say in Hebrew...Chanukah Sameach!!!

Scared as hell

Being vulnerable sucks. Its scary. What is even more so is when others know how emotionally available you are and that in itself can be a daunting situation (for example- you dont know just what that other person will do or how they will respond to your vulnerability).

Im at a point in life where I recognize that when things become excessively fearful I run for the hills. If I come to a crossroads where there is a possibility of getting hurt I will often hurt myself and cut ties with the scenario to guard myself.

I'm learning that breathing is the first step to managing this little issue of mine... then perhaps wine. Lots of wine...