Monday, August 31, 2015
Sunday, August 30, 2015
When you realize...
How much does it hurt when you realize you may not be as important as you had hoped.
Damn it.
What Happened to the 90/90...
Lets talk about the 90/90.
But where does the relationship start to dwindle? Why????
Now Shirley Zussman-a 100 year old sex therapist said that the root of all the problems she sees comes from:
"lacking desire. You have to look at your priorities and decide what is important to make you feel good about yourself and your life and to help make your partner feel good and to establish something that is gratifying and something that really fills a need we all have to be close to somebody".
Shirleys' s right. We are so overly consumed with whats happening on the outside world. She mentions the electronic devices. Again. Spot on old gal. There is no more looking at each other. No more touching. The physical and emotional intimacy has escaped this generation and replaced it with pinterest and facebook. I myself am guilty of this. This blog is an example for Christ SAKES.
John Grottman, founder of the Grottman Institute (grottman.com), mentions that the relationship killers are these "4 horseman":
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling -shutting out. Disengaging. Emotionally checking out
I believe this couldn't be more true. I see myself guilty of all of these things in the past and can see why it would affect any relationship. Any one of these 4 horseman would of course have a compound effect of how you treat your partner. Desire would decrease and of course we turn to our social media for comfort. We create a world where perhaps we don't have to deal with these things and our life is splendid in this world. We hide behind those 'life is perfect' posts and all the while disengaging with our partner and the horseman grow stronger..and stronger....then suddenly you find yourself clicking on the 'single' box in your relationship status.
But.... when those horseman are present how do you deal with them? Yes... get off the devices. Put them away. It's not the priority. But how do we address these problems? Of course finding the root but I can see a cascade effect if not approached right:
For example:
Take criticism-you address this with your partner and they get defensive-you then add the contempt to the mix and then both end up stonewalling thus beginning a viscous cycle.
By following these paths we allow those horseman to become ever so powerful and then then desire wilts and you find your level of interactions diminishes. That 90/90....it gets dialed down to 50.... which becomes 30.... then..... it's gone.
And the horseman have won.
And you have found yourself alone and miserable
Perhaps it's vital to touch on effectively communicating with your partner...
Once upon a time a wonderful friend told me relationships are built on 90/90 " A good relationship is NOT a partnership. Most partnerships are viewed as a 50/50 agreement. In a relationship you have to always be willing to give more than you receive. It is more a 60/60 or 70/70 deal with each giving more so that the relationship grows. This is important to remember as time goes on. A flower planted in the richest soil will need some added nutrients after a few years. Otherwise the flower loses its brilliance."
So- what happens when either partner starts to waiver. An imbalance begins to appear, the relationship starts to get rocky and very quickly that flower starts to wilt.
But where does the relationship start to dwindle? Why????
Now Shirley Zussman-a 100 year old sex therapist said that the root of all the problems she sees comes from:
"lacking desire. You have to look at your priorities and decide what is important to make you feel good about yourself and your life and to help make your partner feel good and to establish something that is gratifying and something that really fills a need we all have to be close to somebody".
Shirleys' s right. We are so overly consumed with whats happening on the outside world. She mentions the electronic devices. Again. Spot on old gal. There is no more looking at each other. No more touching. The physical and emotional intimacy has escaped this generation and replaced it with pinterest and facebook. I myself am guilty of this. This blog is an example for Christ SAKES.
John Grottman, founder of the Grottman Institute (grottman.com), mentions that the relationship killers are these "4 horseman":
1. Criticism
2. Contempt
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling -shutting out. Disengaging. Emotionally checking out
I believe this couldn't be more true. I see myself guilty of all of these things in the past and can see why it would affect any relationship. Any one of these 4 horseman would of course have a compound effect of how you treat your partner. Desire would decrease and of course we turn to our social media for comfort. We create a world where perhaps we don't have to deal with these things and our life is splendid in this world. We hide behind those 'life is perfect' posts and all the while disengaging with our partner and the horseman grow stronger..and stronger....then suddenly you find yourself clicking on the 'single' box in your relationship status.
But.... when those horseman are present how do you deal with them? Yes... get off the devices. Put them away. It's not the priority. But how do we address these problems? Of course finding the root but I can see a cascade effect if not approached right:
For example:
Take criticism-you address this with your partner and they get defensive-you then add the contempt to the mix and then both end up stonewalling thus beginning a viscous cycle.
By following these paths we allow those horseman to become ever so powerful and then then desire wilts and you find your level of interactions diminishes. That 90/90....it gets dialed down to 50.... which becomes 30.... then..... it's gone.
And the horseman have won.
And you have found yourself alone and miserable
Perhaps it's vital to touch on effectively communicating with your partner...
And when tomorrow comes
So choices are made. And priorities guide those choices. Regardless. .. no one is to blame for those choices except the person making them.
You choose to be mad. You choose to be busy. You choose when you communicate. It's all CHOICE AND IT'S YOURS.When you choose to shelf decisions... sometimes the shelf breaks and there is no decision to be made. Be wise with your time. BE Wise with your oppotunity to make choices.
Monday, July 06, 2015
Oh the Many Reasons
I need to rant.
I need to understand things a bit better because apparently over the past 3 years I just don't get it.
I have dated. I have fallen in Love- twice. I even moved in with someone. And recollecting all the memories-these men were never relationship ready. Never ready to commit and take the next step. Never.... Ready.... period.
I am very confused by this concept and I will expand on this.
First- you go through the troubles of "putting yourself out there" in the dating world. You throw yourself into this group of individuals from all walks of life and after sorting through the profiles you find that there are slim pickings for the standards you have set.... soon you find yourself telling your pals "there is no one out there..."
But wait- WAIT! You meet someone. It could be through the dating site, at the grocery store, the neighborhood party, etc, etc. You start to get to know them. Your butterflies get going and the first few visits are magical. You start to get to know this other person and you start to share your inner most thoughts and start trusting this person. Your heart starts saying... maybe.. just maybe.....
Let's stop there...
I have encountered this "maybe, just maybe" feeling a few times now. I have dated some supposed great men only to realize this isn't the case. I have dated someone who amazingly led two lives, someone who always dangled the carrot of a possible relationship only to yank it out, someone who professed his love then started seeking out his options the next day, etc. etc. etc. I could go on.
It leaves me and my sometimes self deprecating self to ponder. Yes, there are times when I wonder... what the hell is wrong with me? Am I just not good enough?
This goes on for about 20 seconds before I stop myself and remember a recent article I read about how we lack the ability to feel satisfaction anymore. How we are always are attempting to seek out something superior than what we have. The "grass is always greener" theory. With that... comes this....
So... furthering to this theory of grass being greener.... those individuals who searched for that greener grass.... WAS IT GREENER??? That's my question now. Are you happier? Did you end up finding that far superior "model" of perfection you were searching for. Did the person you find check all your boxes, fulfill all your requirements?
I am truly curious to see if these individuals did succeed. If so- I am so glad you didn't settle. If not. Well- shrugs. Not my problem anymore because this grass has a fence.
I need to understand things a bit better because apparently over the past 3 years I just don't get it.
I have dated. I have fallen in Love- twice. I even moved in with someone. And recollecting all the memories-these men were never relationship ready. Never ready to commit and take the next step. Never.... Ready.... period.
I am very confused by this concept and I will expand on this.
First- you go through the troubles of "putting yourself out there" in the dating world. You throw yourself into this group of individuals from all walks of life and after sorting through the profiles you find that there are slim pickings for the standards you have set.... soon you find yourself telling your pals "there is no one out there..."
But wait- WAIT! You meet someone. It could be through the dating site, at the grocery store, the neighborhood party, etc, etc. You start to get to know them. Your butterflies get going and the first few visits are magical. You start to get to know this other person and you start to share your inner most thoughts and start trusting this person. Your heart starts saying... maybe.. just maybe.....
Let's stop there...
I have encountered this "maybe, just maybe" feeling a few times now. I have dated some supposed great men only to realize this isn't the case. I have dated someone who amazingly led two lives, someone who always dangled the carrot of a possible relationship only to yank it out, someone who professed his love then started seeking out his options the next day, etc. etc. etc. I could go on.
It leaves me and my sometimes self deprecating self to ponder. Yes, there are times when I wonder... what the hell is wrong with me? Am I just not good enough?
This goes on for about 20 seconds before I stop myself and remember a recent article I read about how we lack the ability to feel satisfaction anymore. How we are always are attempting to seek out something superior than what we have. The "grass is always greener" theory. With that... comes this....
So... furthering to this theory of grass being greener.... those individuals who searched for that greener grass.... WAS IT GREENER??? That's my question now. Are you happier? Did you end up finding that far superior "model" of perfection you were searching for. Did the person you find check all your boxes, fulfill all your requirements?
I am truly curious to see if these individuals did succeed. If so- I am so glad you didn't settle. If not. Well- shrugs. Not my problem anymore because this grass has a fence.
Wednesday, July 01, 2015
Its a choice
I simply have to look forward to the future and see how bright it is. Looking back is not an option as this is not the direction I am going.
I was reminded of that tonight and am so incredibly thankful for the perception I have adopted.
Monday, June 29, 2015
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Irritated
This level of irritation is beyond more than I wish to comprehend right now.
I blame it on the heat and an unwanted guest at the house. And my lack of understanding of the present world.
Sigh. Kahlua in the works for tonight.
Another sigh because I ran and now Im going to drink that effort away but at least it will ease ny irritation with unwanted house guest.
Good god I need more friends in this town.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Apprciate the Little Things-Now
The world lost an incredible person yesterday and with that I have come to reflect:.
And then it hit me- hard.
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid tomorrow I may not get the chance to tell you how I feel. That yesterday I didn't appreciate you as I should. That I didn't forgive and just LET GO. I don't want to miss those opportunities to laugh uncontrollably, without inhibition. I don't want to miss one second of happiness because I was too occupied to experience it- not a second. All that crap about finding sequestered happiness is just that- bullshit- because "happiness is only real when shared".
I refuse to waste time in my head thinking and placing weight upon the inconsequential things that have come and passed: Because after they leave and the opportunity has gone- that's exactly what they are- insignificant "what if's".
With that said-I don't want to strike out on opportunities because of the fear I may allocate to it.
I don't want to regret....anything.Our lives are far to significant to live in dissatisfaction and remorse based on the things that we simply have no control .
I don't want to regret....anything.Our lives are far to significant to live in dissatisfaction and remorse based on the things that we simply have no control .
Things happen- Good things. Horrible things. Amazing things. Too often these conditions are presented when you least expect them. When you think you're not ready.
When I reflect on what life has presented already I need to nod and just smile knowing I didn't miss out. That I experienced all I could. Embraced every moment for what is was, that I tried my best and loved with the fullest potential and LIVED to the overflowing possibilities that are and were presented.
Lets face it- there is an unequivocal truth- linear time is a hoax. It's a fraud. You think it's there and in a blink- it's gone. There is an absoluteness and authenticity in all of this-we must take our existence and experience every second for what we can grasp onto. So with that... I simply refuse to be fearful any longer.
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