Wednesday, March 18, 2015
"If you find yourself wondering ... keep going because obviously the path you are on isn't right for you
I had it all planned out. I really did. Life was on this little boat heading in a glorious direction.
Then a giant wave came through and now I'm hanging onto drift wood wondering where I've been redirected.
A few months ago I wrote a blog about taking out the excess baggage. About removing the rubbish from your life. I DID THIS.
This wave I speak of ... hell... I am not going to speak in hidden anecdotes on this one as this is my freaking blog and Ill say what I god damned well want to.
I found a message I shouldn't have. I stumbled upon it. I hesitated to open the entire message as part of me thought it was wrong to snoop- however- part of me felt that my entire future was relying on this message. If it meant the end of a relationship surely I had a right to know? RIght?
I opened the message. It was an exchange between someone who I loved and an Ex girlfriend of his. The exchange was that he was not living with me and was not in a serious relationship.
After having had this translated for me and confirming indeed that's what I was understanding I made a decision to leave the relationship. I decided not to be second rate.
He thought it was ridiculous to leave and remove myself from his life based on a few lines between an ex.
Really? Was it? You removed me from your life in a split second the moment the conversation happened.
Let me tell you just how this feels exactly when you find yourself in such a position of unimportance. .
You feel rejected. Pushed aside. You feel like your loved one is ashamed of you. Inadequate. Insufficient. When my friend gasped as she read the sentences tears started to pool and I struggled to not let them fall. She confirmed everything I thought was going on. I failed miserably and a pool started to form in my lap.
I felt he was making room for the next person to step in "in case" things did not work out. I felt cheated on (I mean- if you tell someone your single and living with no one when you are... WHAT ELSE DOES THAT MEAN!?!). I felt second best. I felt... unloved.
Now the worst part is- I have a little girl who has this amazing photo of this man painted in her heart and she just cannot understand WHY we had to leave. Why we had to go. Why this man is no longer apart of her life. I feel horrible as I sacrificed not only my own heart but hers. Now she aches and I cannot repair this. I can only try to explain why loss happens in life and hope she comes to understand this one day.
The fact is- problems always rise in a relationship and people deal with them as they come. This problem was due to a choice. A choice that had been discussed long before it ever came up. A choice that at the end of the day he felt he was not...In a relationship...so he acted on it. A choice he knew was wrong because he tried to cover it up and he lied.
The fact is... once you feel like this you never want to give the opportunity to this person to reopen this wound.
Then a giant wave came through and now I'm hanging onto drift wood wondering where I've been redirected.
A few months ago I wrote a blog about taking out the excess baggage. About removing the rubbish from your life. I DID THIS.
This wave I speak of ... hell... I am not going to speak in hidden anecdotes on this one as this is my freaking blog and Ill say what I god damned well want to.
I found a message I shouldn't have. I stumbled upon it. I hesitated to open the entire message as part of me thought it was wrong to snoop- however- part of me felt that my entire future was relying on this message. If it meant the end of a relationship surely I had a right to know? RIght?
I opened the message. It was an exchange between someone who I loved and an Ex girlfriend of his. The exchange was that he was not living with me and was not in a serious relationship.
After having had this translated for me and confirming indeed that's what I was understanding I made a decision to leave the relationship. I decided not to be second rate.
He thought it was ridiculous to leave and remove myself from his life based on a few lines between an ex.
Really? Was it? You removed me from your life in a split second the moment the conversation happened.
Let me tell you just how this feels exactly when you find yourself in such a position of unimportance. .
You feel rejected. Pushed aside. You feel like your loved one is ashamed of you. Inadequate. Insufficient. When my friend gasped as she read the sentences tears started to pool and I struggled to not let them fall. She confirmed everything I thought was going on. I failed miserably and a pool started to form in my lap.
I felt he was making room for the next person to step in "in case" things did not work out. I felt cheated on (I mean- if you tell someone your single and living with no one when you are... WHAT ELSE DOES THAT MEAN!?!). I felt second best. I felt... unloved.
Now the worst part is- I have a little girl who has this amazing photo of this man painted in her heart and she just cannot understand WHY we had to leave. Why we had to go. Why this man is no longer apart of her life. I feel horrible as I sacrificed not only my own heart but hers. Now she aches and I cannot repair this. I can only try to explain why loss happens in life and hope she comes to understand this one day.
The fact is- problems always rise in a relationship and people deal with them as they come. This problem was due to a choice. A choice that had been discussed long before it ever came up. A choice that at the end of the day he felt he was not...In a relationship...so he acted on it. A choice he knew was wrong because he tried to cover it up and he lied.
The fact is... once you feel like this you never want to give the opportunity to this person to reopen this wound.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
Saturday, March 07, 2015
Friday, March 06, 2015
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Thursday, February 05, 2015
Take a Fucking Hike
Its 5:39
I want to go hiking up the moutiain out my window. But it's too cold.
I cannot seem to shake this feeling of uneasiness. Like something is about to happen and its going to have a huge impact.
I cant sleep. And the tears are pooling at the edges of my eye lids.
Positive thinking and the removal of negative thoughts seems to be a daunting task right now.
Sleep perhaps is needed....
I want to go hiking up the moutiain out my window. But it's too cold.
I cannot seem to shake this feeling of uneasiness. Like something is about to happen and its going to have a huge impact.
I cant sleep. And the tears are pooling at the edges of my eye lids.
Positive thinking and the removal of negative thoughts seems to be a daunting task right now.
Sleep perhaps is needed....
Monday, February 02, 2015
ikea
sometimes a trip to Ikea can fix eVerything...ok...so obviously this isn't true however retail therapy at IKEA and lunch can make one feel much better.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Lies only Bring out The Sleeping Dragon
I am often an optomostic and positive person. I generally thrive off of this.
However...
I am a Taurus. When someone fucks with my life and career my head goes down and I charge at whatever may threaten.
I often put on a brave front and seem ruthless and unforgiving...
But when the battle goes dormant.... my heart bleeds and the tears stroll. I recover in time to restart the battle the next day.
I refuse to lose when I know Ive been wronged. When Im wrong - I gracefully admit it.
There are 2 people in my who are challenging me to battle right now. Little do they comprehend that I am one persistant bitch when I have to be.
However...
I am a Taurus. When someone fucks with my life and career my head goes down and I charge at whatever may threaten.
I often put on a brave front and seem ruthless and unforgiving...
But when the battle goes dormant.... my heart bleeds and the tears stroll. I recover in time to restart the battle the next day.
I refuse to lose when I know Ive been wronged. When Im wrong - I gracefully admit it.
There are 2 people in my who are challenging me to battle right now. Little do they comprehend that I am one persistant bitch when I have to be.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Inferiority is a complex matter...
I put in my 3 months resignation yesterday.
Yes. I did it.
Why?
Well the moment I started to doubt how good I really am at my career I realized that I was allowing others opinions who have no knowledge of the sport to affect my confidence. I was allowing naive and uneducated individuals words to have a profound effect on my person. I was essentially making myself inferior.
This- is just not allowed.
I may continue to reside in Iceland. I will continue to coach gymnastics. I will continue to love life - I just am now on a different path.
I may continue to reside in Iceland. I will continue to coach gymnastics. I will continue to love life - I just am now on a different path.
The glorious part is... the moment I sent that email resigning... a profound feeling of liberation washed over me and I went into work with such a weight off my shoulders. I know this was the right decision.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
On Set..Last Shoot:(
Last shoot with RVK. studios and the show Trapped!
I have so far been able to sleep for 2 hours on set and.I also managed to play and win 5 games of Olson.
I will be sad when this all ends as its been fabulous and the people are great!
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