Words are Just Words

There are so many words that fill our world. Sometime these words resonate and dance between our ears. It's up to us to find the meaning. It's up to ourselves to create understanding and passion behind these words. It's about finding your own meanings, your own voices and convey the message in which we have found that binds the words and emotions together.

Lets illustrate this:

'I LOVE YOU'

These three words.

We disentangle these words and exemplify them based on the emotions that are centered and united to them. We tell our friends we love them. We tell our siblings we love them. When we are in love, we tell the person who influences the sensation of  'love'.  We say we love a painting, a song, a place. It is the same phrase. But it is used in different forms.

Words in the end, are just that.

What makes words so powerful however is not just the statements or emotions behind them, but also- the actions.

You can proclaim your love to someone or something but validation is often what confirms and ties the emotions and words together.

MY Dear Grandmother

She let me lick the spoon from the cookie batter--- shhh... dont tell your mother she would say.
She surpassed the red lights and would say "it was green wasnt it?"
She NEVER TOLD me to clean my room, only pushed my mess back in and shake her head.
She gave me a 10pm curfew and told me I had to pay rent. She taught me to be responsible.
She would tell me when I looked ridiculous and would never hesitate to let me know when my actions were less than favorable.
She smiled at me and told me she only made beautiful children and then in turn- made beautiful grandbabies.
She held my hand and walked me down the aisle when I married.
She held my hand and told me things would be ok when it didnt work out.
She warned me of the cruel world we live in and the stupid decisions we make to make it so cruel.
She told me- The squeaky wheel gets the greese and yet... its sometimes better to stay silent and endure and learn....
She once told me that god owed her 2 babies and he gave them to her.
She had a near death experience and was pissed she had to come back to this life.
She is one of the bravest persons I have known. She is an incredible woman and a I cannot thank my lucky stars for the opportunity this universe has given me to have her in my life.

Yesterday- she was given a time stamp. A ticking clock.
Yesterday- she threw it on the floor and told it to screw off.

Yesterday, My Grandmother was told she has terminal cancer.
Yesterday, she refused to accept that one little mass in her cavity could turn into a death sentence.
Yesterday, she affirmed again why she is Batman undercover.

I love this woman with all my heart.

https://goo.gl/photos/HxquNyxVgH34zt5q6

Appropriate Material

Listen to Free freakin fallin by Rebecca Schmal #np on #SoundCloud https://soundcloud.com/rebecca-schmal/free-freakin-fallin

New Bucket List!!!

That time of year is coming again- I am in the middle of compiling a new bucket list...

And truth be told- I look back at my list from last year and realize...I was lazy and didn't focus on achieving some of my goals.

Well... It's almost April and its time to spring forward with this...


So... Here goes

1. Sing live...
2. Crypt lake and a tent
3. Fishing trip with the kids
4. Paint a new piece and hang it up (it's been 2 years since I picked up a brush!)
5. Change my photography businesses name
6. File my taxes..... .... ..... .... ... ...
7. Take grandma to the Quabbin....Shes now 93!!!
8. Iceland. Airwaves. Maybe sing there?
9. Write a song with dad.
10. DIVORCE. FINAL!
11. 11:11... ON 11/11/2016...A BIG ASS WISH
12. Show my kids the power of kindess
13. Andrews Wedding
14. An electric guitar!!!!!!!

Future Endeavors

PERU!!!
Fenway Park and a Game
See the Patriots play at least once
An October picknick,in a field, in new england
Take the kids to Disney.
A train ride from Montana to Seattle
Get remarried to my forever
Walk Emma down the aisle
Show Alexander a real live space suit
Take Dominic to a skate camp
Meet my sister and my dad's family in Holland
See my brothers boat again.
See Fly happy again. Settled. Hear him play piano.
Attend Winston's wedding (he actually bought his future make believe wife a fancy car...but really, he needs a wife!)

Lowering

Life becomes scary complicated when you think things are figured out- then shit happens. It becomes more complicated.
Then you seek solutions to this... Life....
Then.... Life happens again....

I've dropped my anchor and now wish for the waves to settle. Fucking please. If only for a moment.

I saw it for a second... A glimpse into what if
This taunting possibility now is only a figmant
A chance to see reality, one blink and everything changed
Why is this so hard. Why is there so much pain.
The capital of Happiness.... It's such a silly little thing
How dare I think it could exhist, it was only in a dream.

Lifes Little Hints

It's apparent the universe is sending me a giant message. The people who seemed to have massive amounts of importance... I am learning that perhaps that is not the case anymore.

I have placed value in people perhaps who of course I shouldn't have as of late.  In reality it's important to look at the people in your life and evaluate if they indeed are contributing positive waves in your direction. If not...
THEY ARE WASTING YOUR TIME!!!

Shit that makes me smile)

This is what It's about

Let These Words Resonate

Just for clarification this shoud be in a romantic way.

.. Any other way would be stalker like and may require a restraining order and high doses of medication. And a straight jacket.

A rumor...

Rumors are horrific. They destroy people and are the acid of any relationship- from work place to interpersonal.

In 2014 I was the central focus of a terrible rumor.

The sad part is- it continues to richocet in my life- more so now than ever.

And the sad part is.... My life. My children. We will forever be at the receiving end of all of these lies that once spread like wildfire fire.

And there is nothing that can be done to undo the ever spiralling effects.

Now the only choice is to go forward without looking behind.

Two Things please

I could use a really big hug and some compassion from the universe.

December 12th is approachind and the closer it comes...the increase in anxiety.

I feel like the universe is giving me a giant shove.

And there is no net.

I can't quite describe this feeling...but I know it's scary as hell.

I am not good with plot twists.

The Scariest Part...

.... Is when you have NO CLUE where the other persons feelings lay. 

Humpty Dumpty

I used to fall hard. Fast and without reservation. It used to be exciting to recognize that perhaps the person you are liking more and more each day holds the potential to be your 'person'.

But....

It's now scary as hell. Terrifying actually. I used to let my heart fly and now.... I'm so scared someone will shoot it down yet again. I won't say I'm jaded HOWEVER.... I MOST definitely am little more cautious.

 I don't know when this happened but I know that now it's difficult. My heart is in all essence is stiched and scared. It doesn't ache any longer for anyone in particular. No. Now there is a fear, a constant fear of encountering yet another blow....

Now when I find myself getting close to someone I start to wonder when the bomb will go off. I become scared and I start to withdraw when I don't know where I stand in someone's life. I do it to protect myself of course. It's much easier to walk away from someone who you don't emotionally invest in versus throwing in your heart and waiting to see what happens and potentially have your heart shredded to bits.

I've been lied to multiple times. I've encountered a few too many people who are still invested in previous relationships. I've been cheated on-3 times! And then there is.... Without cause. That hurts more than anything- being discarded without reason. Regardless of the reasons in the past.... My heart and I- we've been down a few rough roads and we definitely look at signs now prior to venturing. And when there is no signs... Well.... Often.... It's easier to just not travel down those unmarked lanes.

It often leads me to wonder if people are even capable of what I wish to share with someone. Are my expectations completely unattainable? Is it too much to ask for complete honesty and commitment? For someone to invest and be bat shit crazy about and have that same feeling returned? Is it really to complicated for ONE PERSON to commit to another
?
I try not to focus on these details but again.... As you get to know someone...it becomes difficult to avoid these questions that begin to creep up in your oh-so-crazy -mind.

After writing this ironically a friend said to me
'Just wait- someone will love you so much you'll forget everything in the past... They will hold their arms open and accept you for your crazy, lovely self and you will no longer fear this process because that one person will never leave you wondering. And it will be the most wondeful thing.

One day. I hope.