Best Part of My Freaking Day

It will be when I fall asleep...

Why?

Because it hurts a lot less when I sleep....

Missing My Little Men...

I forgot about this!

How cute is he!
Gosh how I miss my boys :(

Silence- A Warm Welcome

Facebook is.... on hiatus.

I usually don't shut it up unless I have loads on my mind- and well- that's about accurate. Blogging will have to become an outlet of sorts- a distraction.

I care not to even discuss whats whirling around in my ever busy head- that is a far too personal matter for even here.

So--- I will chatter away.... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...



I always seem to be on the subject of... Life... ugh... Im just irritated the thought of blogging yet again about it. So... I will choose a subject. One with substance. One with.... excitement.
... ... ... ... ... ... ...

shit.

Creativity is completely on a hiatus as well I see.
Gosh.

Stumped.

Lets All Take a Moment

Too often we are busy in the bustle. Caught up in our own problems.

We dont look around us and see others struggle too. They have it just as hard. Some have it even harder.

On my new journey of sharing and loving on others I came across a couple with a baby at my local coffee house.

They ordered their coffee. The child was upset. Crying. Mom was stressed and dads shoulders where hung in defeat. They were simply exhausted.

The house was full except a little corner by the window with two bar stools.

I couldn't very well keep sitting at my booth with 3 empty seats in front of me (much to the gentleman's dismay sitting next to me as he made an extra effort to move all his shit just so I could spread out in my work space).

So I approached the defeated couple and said "please, take my spot- you clearly need it more than I".... they began to say "Nei....".. I stopped them, pointed at the little boy who's fallen tears had since stopped out of curiosity and said "he told me he specifically wanted to sit there".

The mother smiled and proceeded and the dad thanked me 3 times.


Today- I managed to make a families life a little less hectic.

... random act number 1.....

A New Bucket to Go With a List

I am still compiling my bucket list... but...

This year... the bucket list will still have its usual milestone but in addition to that I want to accomplish something a little more personal. This section of the bucket list is about experiencing each day with thoughtful and selfless acts. Acts that impact the lives of others. Acts that will make tiny waves in our somewhat rugged path on which we are on called "life" that perhaps cause a positive rippling effect making waves.

For example:

I want to show Emma that in life you must be compassionate. To be giving and sincere and to share happiness with others. My hope is that if she can have more of an understanding of this she will then go forth and mirror this learned behavior to others.
I want to show my children that saying your sorry is followed by a responsibility to act on these words to ensure any wrongdoing is avoided in the future.
I wish to show more kindness and generosity with the people whom I interact with.
I want them to feel the need to do this as well- thus- paying it forward.
I want to show the world what it looks like from my eyes.
And most of all- I want nothing more than a full heart.

2014... a year to forget

2014 was shit.
2015....well...who knows.
I know what I want...
Now its about figuring out how to get it.....

Lifes fork

Fuck you fork.

Cheers to... Life

Merry Christmas

From a lonely Christmas
Now a crowed house

Merry Christmas world

:)

Nature takes its course

There has been a lot of changes in the past year.

My life has took a complete 180 turn though. For the better!

There have been many things that Ive had to let go. I have walked away from a few norms in my life because well- I realized that my existance in these certain situations is no longer profitable or healthy.

I moved to Iceland to almost escape my life in Edmonton.

You know what though... I wasn't escaping. I was simply finding my place in life at that moment that needed  change. I wasn't running. I was reconnecting. My goals and vision for the future was blury. I couldn't see 5 paces ahead of myself.

The moment the plane touched down in Keflavík the fog started lifting.

And happiness came flooding back.

And I knew at that moment... thing were going to get better.

Recently- a cloud found me but with every cloud comes a wind ...

I could sit here and contemplate why life is the way it is or was... instead...I throw my head down and walk  towards the horizon cause, well, looking backwards simply makes it difficult to proceed ahead. I may get lost along the way (who am I kidding- that is inevitable----it's a reason why I've learned to simply stop and ask for directions). I may be going completely in the wrong direction but its better than staying put and watching the world fly by now isn't it....

LightBulbs

The thing about light bulbs.

You can turn them on and off. 

BUT SOMETIMES

They burn out. 

Luckily you can replace the light bulb with a new one. 

Or better yet. A candle. 

Regardless- this little metaphor now has so many meanings backed up behind it  my brain is starting to hurt. I wish to sit here in complete darkness if only for a moment.

Harsh Reality- Life lesson #394474738

The world of expectations as Ive seen it... a time warp of sorts...a kick in the ass. Shall we go back?

In my teens- I was ruler of my own world. I was afraid of little and I was indestructible.  I knew EVERYTHING (or so I thought). My parents - apparently they were complete idiots and they knew nothing about life because I had it all figured out 🤦‍♀️. From what I wanted to be when 'I grew up' (which of course was only a few years away;) to the perfect life I would live with the giant house and have a successful husband who would make all the money while I dove into my dream of becoming an Olympic Coach and galavanted around the planet chasing my dream. Rrrrrrrriiight.

The 20s- I was living in a race against conformity. I was going to end up on the top of the pyramid. I would have the best of 'everything' -at that period that defined success.  I drowned myself in work. I eventually settled into that huge house and had 3 cars and 3 amazing children. From a consumers point of view- I was successfully rich…. in debt. I bought into the greatest scam of all- the 'American Dream'....I….Was….Miserable. My saving grace- My 3 incredible children who kept my sanity at bay. 

The tipping point- the 30s. I hear this is the challenging decade. And thus far it has proven itself correct. Life’s had many ups and downs and when your down sometimes you get a slap you in the face with a bucket of cold water saying 'hey.. wake up asshole- this is how it is...'

So how is it exactly?

You realize your values and morals have been heavily influenced by.... bull shit.
That’s right.
It seems to be that the older you become you realize you knew NOTHING-so-you start to listen and learn. I will be the first to admit I was in complete denial in my earlier stages of growth. I was in a delusional puzzle that would never be solved because the life I was chasing was all unrealistic and truly unfulfiling. 

The constant expectation of a perfect life. The life everyone feels they thould be entitled to. The life that you see on the big screen. Hollywood.... thanks for that. In a way we are still all diving into a 1950's print of Goodhouse Keeping magazine with our ice teas and aprons glancing through our 30 different boards on pinterest (I mean- really- it’s no different than when our grandmothers cut out the recipe from the discard pile at the local coffee shops and shived them into the cardstock holder). We all want to get married, have kids and fall in love and live a life where there is only peace and harmony.  But hell- Reality is- it's fucking work and it doesn’t stop there after you get all that. People are not perfect. We screw up. Lots. So the harsh real view of this is- how can we expect this perfect life when we ourselves fail at... perfection.

I know one thing we can all be better at though and perhaps could aid in this adopted perception that been developed within our lives…. forgiveness.

When two individuals come together and share a mutual love and respect for each other the ability to forgive each others differences and hiccups along the way is a far easier task. You also lose the self- entitlement you think you deserve. Instead- you focus on the relationship. Fill your partners love tank and do not expect a damn thing in return. Remember- the right person for you will share the responsibilities in a relationship. You have to have the desire to ensure that your partners needs are met as well as your own. It’s a harmonious dance where in which both partners are listening, feeling and are aware of the steps they themselves are taking but also listening to the steps of their partners so when they take a dip, they both can rise up together again and continue forward….

R

Ticking Clock Is Getting Louder

To be frank- this is probably one of the most intimate and bone baring posts Ive made in a while.... so bare with me on this. 

Where to begin??? 

My ex and I - we are on the verge of finalizing "THE DIVORCE".... only 3.5 years later... 

We both seemed to sit on the paperwork forever simply because it was.... paperwork. An inconvenience really and something that required time and effort and really- something that we just were completely lazy about.

I am not sad in the least about this progression- it's just emptying out "recycling bin" really because we've been apart for so long and we both have moved on to better lives. 

The circumstance however pushing the legal divorce forward really got me thinking. 

My soon-to-be official Ex husband is expecting with his girlfriend. A baby. A sibling for my children. WOW. This I believe is what is the motivating factor to bury our "relationship status" according to Canadian Law. 

This was a wake up call for me. 

I sent my congratulations and then.... memories came back. 

Lets go back in time:

It's almost been 3 years. My ex and I were failing miserably at working things out and the relationship was on its last legs and I found out I was pregnant. I was shocked (yes, I realize how a pregnancy comes about)... the thing was- I had no plans on having any more children. I was finished. After the complications with the twins and almost losing both babies I counted my blessings and never thought of it again. I thought ok- this is it. 

My initial reaction-I panicked. Here I was in a crumbling relationship and there was now a baby on the way. I remember calling my mother in tears and she said

'Rebecca- things happen for a reason...'

After I got over my panicked state I realized I was incredibly lucky (after all- many are unable to conceive and have babies) and obviously this was something that was meant to be.  Regardless of where the relationship was heading.

Well, 8 weeks later- the day before the ultrasound- I miscarried. I was very silent about the whole situation- I talked very little about it and when the few people that knew asked- I shrugged and said- 'things happen for a reason'. Inside my heart completely broke. I was encompassed in anguish and misery. I faked a smile yet my core ached. I never missed a day of work through the whole ordeal and I threw myself into "busy". I dealt with the situation the best I could. I moved forward and put the loss to memory. 

Now-this feeling of ... wanting... has lingered since. I know I cannot nor am I looking to replace the loss.. I just know that the sound of this ticking clock is growing louder and getting harder to ignore.